


They call me crazy (for wanting a chance)

by chittaphoned (caramiro)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Coercion, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-10-08 21:01:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10395987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caramiro/pseuds/chittaphoned
Summary: Johnny’s always dreamed of a solo album, but his management refuses to pay attention to him. Who would have thought that getting drunk in a club was all it took for them to notice him?





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is Team Future’s fic for the following prompt set:  
> [lyrics](https://colorcodedlyrics.com/2016/06/younha-hatfelt-cheetah-get-it) | [video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeo_nWsu5cs) | [supplementary](https://www.flickr.com/photos/elle_florio/24594086982/in/gallery-flickr-72157663691204050/) [prompts](http://66.media.tumblr.com/fcb2493d6f87b57e723f8ee42107024e/tumblr_oh3jy3SkNS1v9m0i0o1_500.jpg)
> 
> The other 2 fics for this prompt can be found in [the collection](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/kpopolymfics2017). Competition winners are chosen by the readers, so please rate this fic using [this survey](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/13KuJsM_39HEAj6hzkJm3poxEakkuLueFGGi3MNRZtIY/viewform?edit_requested=true)!

A throbbing ache in his skull, and the dull dryness at the back of his throat are the first two things Johnny distinguishes the minute he comes to consciousness. He doesn’t bother opening his eyes as he rolls over the bed, enjoying the silky smooth feeling of the sheets against his skin. 

_Wait, hold up…_ Why does he feel the blanket, he assumes, on his bare chest and legs? _Never mind._

There’s a drumline beating inside his head right now, and he wants nothing more than the pain to just stop. He rolls over, his body too heavy for him to lift right now. And for some reason, he doesn’t hit the wall as he usually does.

_Huh?_

Shaking away that thought, he resumes rolling on the bed, his blankets smelling fresher and feeling softer than they usually do. Maybe Taeyong got into one of his cleaning fits again and cleaned the whole dorm. Johnny makes a mental note to thank whoever pissed off Taeyong because his blanket has never felt this good.

All good things have to end as he slips off the bed and lands on the carpeted floor. Since when did his room have a carpet? He finally musters up the courage to rub the sleep out of his eyes. He sits up, with his blanket still wrapped around his body. When his vision finally focuses, he only has one reaction.

_What. The. Fuck._

This is definitely not his room in the dorms. The bed’s too big for it to be his own, and a carpet covers the entire floor. His clothes are lying a few feet away from him.

How did he end up in some fancy hotel? 

_… Oh right…_

 

 

 

Johnny looks up from his piano when Mark walks in the room. The younger boy frowns as he sits on the couch.

“What is it?” Johnny asks. It isn’t often that Mark comes to him for anything serious. He usually goes to Taeyong for that.

Mark lets out a breath, blinking before he finally speaks. “Management’s giving me a solo project in a few months?”

Johnny’s heart sinks, the weight of Mark’s words hitting him harder than it should have. Management had long promised Johnny a solo venture. They had talked about it even before Taeil hyung, Hansol hyung, and Taeyong received their mandatory military service notices. There are only a few months left before Taeil hyung and Hansol hyung will enter the military and there’s still no news about Johnny’s solo promotions.

Johnny always tells himself to trust management and that his time will come, but he always had to play the waiting game far longer than anyone else. It took nine years before he could debut, and even then, he had to watch his friends debut without him. He also had to sit at the sidelines as other members got their solo projects before he did. His time will come, but how much waiting does he still have to do? 

What else does he have to prove? He’s already shown his loyalty by staying with SM for nine years, even when he was cut from what was going to be one of the world’s biggest K-pop groups. He’s shown patience by bidding his time as he watched other trainees who came in later than he did debut first. He has practiced even when his limbs refused to move and his throat was so sore his voice would crack. Johnny has given, and is still willing to give all he has for the sake of his dream. The question is, does he have anything left to offer?

“So what’s the concept going to be?” Johnny asks with a smile on his face. Mark deserves every opportunity he gets, and he doesn’t need Johnny’s emotional and existential crap.

“There’s nothing specific yet, but the song to be promoted is an EDM track…,” Mark pauses and looks at Johnny before continuing, “Management said it’s one of the songs we submitted back then.”

“Really?” Ever since SM encouraged them to try composing songs and writing lyrics, Johnny has composed several songs and written lyrics that got shelved by management. If there was a rap part, Mark or Taeyong would write the raps. “Which song is it?”

“Well …” Mark looks at the floor, as if he is anticipating something to pop up from there. “It’s the one you called… ‘0412’?”

Did he hear that right? “I’m sorry … what? I thought you said ‘0412’?”

“I did …” Mark spins the pen in his hands. “Management wants it be a track featuring Eunji, and they’re calling the song ‘Letters’ or something like that.”

Johnny had been a bored and lonely sixteen-year-old when he dabbled into composing for the very first time. His long-time best friend Sehun had just been included in what was going to be one of Korea’s biggest and most influential boy groups of his generation. But Johnny, he didn’t make the cut. 

It also didn’t help that from hanging out every day and telling each other everything, Sehun had stopped talking to him. During one of their piano workshops, Johnny had started playing random keys, releasing all his pent-up frustration—at not being able to debut yet, and misery—at the thought of losing his best friend. It was a random, sad piano tune meant to be filed away in the depths of his memories.

It’s been a long time since then. Johnny had made new friends, and somehow, he and Sehun had managed to patch things up. There was no longer any point in finishing the piece, but training with Mark and Taeyong who could produce original songs and write their own lyrics made Johnny want to add another item to his skill set.

Reviving that piano piece had started as a joke, when Mark got curious about how an EDM track and a soft piano ballad could work together. Luckily for him, Johnny plays the piano and knows how to DJ. Mark’s pent-up feelings for Eunji and Johnny’s boredom led to remixing the random piano melody into an EDM track Johnny had grown proud of. He had called that song ‘0412’ in honor of the song’s original muse despite the absence of the feelings that were once there. Upon passing that song, and a bunch of other songs to their mentors, he had been told that everything he wrote on his own lacked something, and Johnny’s abandoned the idea since then in favor of focusing on other skills like singing, dancing, rapping, DJing, and hosting.

He isn’t supposed to get attached to any of his work, but that song felt like a first-born child to him. After years of being shelved because the song “wasn’t good enough,” Johnny wasn’t expecting “0412” to come back from the dead, much less be given as a debut song to someone else.

“I…” Mark stutters, his hands now wringing the hem of his shirt. “I… I just wanted to be sure you were OK with this.”

“I can’t be cool with something I didn’t know about,” Johnny deadpans, rolling his eyes. He pauses. Management wanted to use a song Johnny and Mark wrote together without consulting Johnny. It’s not Mark’s fault things ended up this way.

Mark probably senses Johnny’s darkening mood, since he wraps an arm around Johnny’s shoulders. “I told them I wasn’t going to use the song without your approval, hyung,” he admits with a sigh. “It is your piece as much as it is mine…”

Johnny sighs as he closes his eyes. He has composed several songs since then, but none of them have ever had the honor of being chosen for an album, much less promoted. If he can’t get to see his own work come to life, he might as well settle for the next best thing.

“You know what, fine, take it. I don’t care,” he snaps, throwing his head back against the chair. “I doubt that song will ever see the light of day otherwise.”

He gets up from his chair and stalks out the room before Mark can stop him.

 

 

 

When Johnny called Sehun to rant earlier that afternoon, what he expected was for Sehun to invite him to hang out at his place and play video games—no one is ever too old for gaming—after his drama filming. Instead, Sehun invited him to go clubbing and drinking on one of his rare days off from filming. 

They meet in front of the club that Sehun heard from one of his co-stars.

“The drinks and music here are supposedly good,” Sehun says as they show their IDs to the bouncer outside the door. “Jinri has been here several times and she says she’s never been caught.”

Johnny raises his eyebrows as they head straight for the bar. After all, Jinri was one of those who tended to attract netizens and paparazzi like bees to honey. If Jinri can get away with it, then so can they.

Johnny follows Sehun to some area far from the dance floor as he can’t afford to be seen.He’s already gotten enough shit from netizens about not being eligible for conscription. He’s not a Korean citizen despite his parents being Koreans. He likes to think they’ll get over it sooner or later if he lays low, and him being spotted at a club isn’t laying low.

“Here’s to shitty management decisions and trying to deal,” Sehun says as he raises his shot glass.

Johnny can’t help but chuckle as he raises his own glass. Sehun himself can’t complain, especially since EXO ended up becoming one of Korea’s most successful acts in history. Sehun’s gotten several drama roles as well. He’s reviewing which one he’ll choose as his last project before he enters the army next year. There’s also the series of EXO concerts he will be performing at before he does his duty to the country. It’s nice to know that Sehun still has his back after all these years.

“Cheers.”

At some point, Johnny loses count of how many bottles of soju Sehun and he have ordered. He wills himself to drown in the stuff as he takes another shot.

The soothing burn in his throat is the only thing that makes sense as even Sehun’s voice has been reduced to a whisper through the course of the pumping bass and voices on the dance floor.

Humanity seeks solace in some way or form, he supposes. Some, like Sehun, seek it in the form of friendly company; others get it through physical contact with someone else. 

As for Johnny himself?He reaches for another bottle, but it’s empty.

Sehun says something, and thanks to the loud music and all that alcohol whirling around Johnny’s head, he simply agrees without giving it much thought. It is only when Sehun is fucking dragging him to the dance floor that it hits Johnny what Sehun plans on doing.

“What the hell, Sehun? I’m not here to hook up!” Johnny gasps.

Sehun throws him a look. “Who said anything about hooking up? I’m just here to dance.”

Johnny chuckles. _Fine._ Maybe he was getting ahead of himself. He’ll dance a little bit then go home. After all, he may be pissed off with SM, but he still has to be on his best behavior.

As Johnny shuffles through the sweaty bodies on the dance floor, he somehow loses sight of his friend. Despite towering over almost everyone else in the club, Johnny has no idea where his friend is. He sighs and loses himself to the music. 

The club's thumping bass seems to flow through his veins as he moves to the beat. He has the urge to nitpick at the DJ's choice of songs, and he already has at least three ways on how he'd do it differently. But he's not here to work, or even be bothered by the music selection in general. He's supposed to have a good time with Sehun, but well ... Sehun's ghosted him. Johnny hopes Sehun ditched him because he found someone to hook up with. He won't accept any other reason.

A hand caressing his thigh, a single quick touch to his groin, is what brings him back to reality. As Johnny opens his eyes, a short, handsome stranger stands in front of him, with a sly smile on his lips. It's been long since Johnny's been with anyone, and this stranger's slim but toned body fits in Johnny's arms. Johnny bites his lip as his eyes travel to the stranger's exposed collarbones. What he would give just to mark this handsome stranger as his for the night...

Before he can change his mind, Johnny wraps his arms around the other man's waist. The stranger doesn't mind as he wraps his arms around Johnny's neck. They’re still in public, but he can hear the other’s heartbeat. If the electric desire lingering on their skin as they move, and the lust-blown pupils are anything to go by, Johnny won't be lonely and bored for the rest of the night.

 

 

 

There’s no sign of the stranger from last night, not even a note. _It’s better this way._ Johnny doubts he’ll ever see that person again. Shaking his head, Johnny reaches for his mobile phone in his pants.

_50 messages, 20 missed calls_

Oh shit. He’s definitely fucked, and not in the way he’d like.

He opens the first one, from Taeyong.

_\- Johnny? Where are you?  
\- Haven’t heard from you since last night._

Taeyong is his best friend (after Sehun), leader, and parent rolled into one. Unfortunately, Taeyong is on parent mode, and that is the last thing Johnny wants to deal with right now. He scoffs and sighs before he closes the message. He’ll explain to Taeyong later.

He then skips over to next message, this time from Ten.

_\- Johnny? Why didn't you come home last night?  
\- Mark told me what happened before you left._

Of course Mark is going to tell everyone that he’s getting a solo debut. This is everything most of them have ever dreamed of, and Mark’s hard work is finally paying off. Now everyone is going to think Johnny's being a spoiled, sore loser. But he shouldn't take it out on Mark, Taeyong, Ten, or anyone. It's not like they asked to debut with concepts and songs Johnny submitted for himself.

Johnny sighs as he skips over to the next message, this time from Sehun.

_\- Lost you last night after you started hitting on that guy.  
\- He better have been good company or you’ll owe me a drink for ditching me for nothing._

Johnny snorts. He barely remembers the face of the man he was with last night, but he’s not going to lie, the guy knew how to make him feel good.

Johnny’s phone vibrates against his hand once again. He’d rather deal with his short, sassy, and most probably angry friend instead of any of their managers.

“Johnny here.”

“Johnny, where the fuck are you?” Ten hisses in English into the phone. Ten’s probably trying to avoid questions from anyone nearby. Johnny blinks. He’s been out all night several times before, but this is the first time anyone’s been this worried about him. Then again, last night was the first time he didn’t tell anyone where he was going. “You disappeared last night, and none of us have any idea where you are.”

“I—” Johnny pauses as he takes in his surroundings. He has two options: it’s either he lies to Ten and tries figuring out how to get out of here on his own, or he tells the truth and Ten will bust his ass out of here with a fresh set of clothes.

Here goes nothing.

“I… uh…” Johnny stutters, suddenly realizing how stupid this whole thing is going to sound. “Sehun and I went out last night. He ghosted me, and now I’m hungover as fuck and stuck in some hotel.”

Ten growls and Johnny hears several muttered expletives in a mix of English and Thai. “I’m going to kill you,” he hisses at Johnny, who just rolls his eyes in response. It’s not like Ten can see him anyway. “You went out last night without telling anyone, and now none of us have any idea what to say to management.”

“Just… make something up! I don’t know,” Johnny groans as he rolls to his side. “I’ll back up whatever it is you come up with.”

“You have got to be kidding me.”

The muffled sound of Taeyong and Yuta arguing from behind Ten reaches Johnny’s ears. Johnny doesn’t make sense of whatever it is Ten tells them. The next thing he hears is footsteps before a door slamming shut. Now, all he hears are footsteps. Ten must be pacing around wherever he’s standing as he comes up with a plan.

A breath. "Fuck, Johnny okay, here's what we're going to do. I'm picking you up, but you better be bathed and ready,” Ten barks into the phone. “I'll bring you some clothes so don’t worry about the ones you wore last night. I'm not bringing a manager. You better tell me the whole story on the way back. I don't care how hungover you are, you're telling me."

Johnny should have known this was going to happen. Then again, it’s either he tells Ten the whole story, or he tells a manager. At least Ten will listen. The managers? He’s not sure if anyone among them will listen. They’ll probably even sell him out to the higher-ups. After all, they still work for the company.

Johnny looks at the time. It’s still pretty early in the morning. He decides to send Ten his room number before he cleans himself up. The sooner he can get out of here and remove all evidence of last night, the better.

Johnny steps out of the bathroom just in time to hear the bell ring. He smiles as he sees a familiar pair of dark eyes glaring through the peephole. He opens the door and catches what he assumes is a bag of clothes.

“Thanks Ten, you are a godsend,” he says to his friend who snorts at him.

“Get changed so we can get out of here.” Ten says with a roll of his eyes.

 

 

 

There are short car rides, long trips, and awkward ones. Johnny’s been in a car with Ten more times in his life than he can count. However, this is the first time where he has no idea what to say.

“So talk,” Ten says as he starts the car. Johnny would have preferred to drive, since it was his car Ten chose to take. However, he was “too hungover and angry to be trusted to drive safely,” as Ten oh-so-eloquently phrased it.

“What do you mean, ‘so talk’?” Johnny snaps. “All I wanna do is get home and sleep. Talking is the last thing I wanna do right now, Ten. So, will you please just shut up?”

Ten makes a sound that Johnny isn’t certain whether it’s a grunt or a scream. The next thing Johnny knows, Ten is grabbing him by the shirt and pulling him closer so that their noses are touching.

“Listen Johnny,” Ten snarls. “I fucking covered for you by telling management you were out with a friend when no one knew where the fuck you were. And I could have thrown you under the bus by handing my phone over to a manager earlier instead of saving your pathetic ass. But no, here I am, dealing with your ungrateful, shit-faced self. The least you can do is tell me what the fuck you were really up to last night.”

Ten throws Johnny back on the passenger seat and focuses on the road. Johnny’s not off the hook, as Ten’s fingers tap against the steering wheel.

Sighing, Johnny’s head rests against the passenger’s seat.

What hasn’t Mark told them that Ten still needs to ask? Johnny usually doesn’t have to tell Ten as the latter would already know. “Guess which song they’re using for Mark’s solo debut?” 

“I already know. 0412, or… should we call it ‘Letters’ now,” Ten mutters. “Of all songs to use…”

“What do you mean ‘of all songs to use’?” Johnny snarls. Ten’s tone ruffles the usually sleeping beast in Johnny’s mind. Pettiness rarely lets itself be known that Johnny sometimes forgets what it feels like. Ten may be a perfectionist, but he’s hardly the condescending type. Johnny’s head is still throbbing, and unfortunately, Ten’s getting the brunt of it.

“I like the song a lot, Johnny,” Ten says, putting his free hand over Johnny’s. “What I meant was, it was your song before you surrendered all rights to SM. I just found it weird they’re giving it to Mark without telling you about it.”

_At least someone understands what he’s going through._

“But all the same, it’s one of many songs… There was choreography I did for what was supposed to be part of a special stage at our upcoming concert, but it ended up going to Yoona sunbaenim’s solo.” Ten starts the car again, and Johnny’s head is back to spinning. “I didn’t know until they called me to meet with Yoona sunbaenim to teach her the choreography.”

“At least you were informed.” Johnny’s eyes are shut, as he ignores his stomach’s weight sloshing around in every single direction as the car gets in motion. 

Ten sighs. “Think of it this way, at least your track will be debuting… Just not in the way you expected.”

 _Never mind._

“Way to be a supportive friend, Ten,” Johnny snaps as he closes his eyes. He’s not in the mood to hear Ten’s voice any longer if all he’s going to do is nag.

“So, what did you do that I ended up having to find your fat ass at some fancy hotel room?” Ten asks, his voice softer this time, as they reach another red light. “No one knows where you went, and you weren’t answering any calls.”

Looks like fate isn’t on his side today either.

Johnny sighs. Talking to his friend about his sexcapades is probably one of the most awkward things he will ever have to do.

“Sehun hyung and I went clubbing last night, had a few drinks, danced with a few guys,” Johnny trails off like it’s no big deal.

“That’s all?” It doesn’t look like Ten’s having any of it, as he hums. “If you just went drinking, why didn’t you go back to the dorm?”

Johnny rolls his eyes. “What else do you think happens at a club, Ten?”

Johnny doesn’t know what he was expecting, but it’s definitely not having to fear for his life as Ten suddenly pulls the car to a screeching halt.

“What the fuck, Ten?” Johnny asks. The rest of his protest dies on his lips when Ten’s squinted eyes and pursed lips send chills down his spine. Ten’s knuckles turn white as his grip on the steering wheel tightens.

Johnny’s about to say something, but a loud exhale from Ten interrupts him.

“You know what, Johnny…” Ten snaps, his eyes looking anywhere but Johnny, as he starts the car again. “Never mind. I don’t think I want to know.”

By the time they reach the practice room, the first thing Johnny sees is Taeyong and Taeil hyung talking with an instructor who is waving his arms all over the place. Yuta and Hansol hyung are stretching at the opposite corner, while Sicheng and Kun flank Mark near the mirrors. One of their managers, Youngjun hyung, is standing at the side, looking at his mobile phone every five minutes. Colors, voices, and smells all clash in Johnny’s head, and he grabs Ten’s arm before he dares to take a step forward. 

“Johnny, are you sure you’re OK?” Ten whispers as he holds up his card key to the practice room.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I don’t have much choice in the matter anyway.”

“Are you sure?”

In a lower voice, Ten whispers as close to Johnny’s ear as he possibly can, “If you really feel like shit, then I can drop you off back in the dorm and just tell everyone you’re sick.”

Johnny shakes his head. He can’t have other people thinking he’s weak because he’s too hungover to practice. Besides, Ten needs to stop covering for him… At least for today.

Ten rolls his eyes. “If you say so,” he mutters as he opens the door. “Just say the word, Johnny, and we can always turn back.”

 

 

 

Ten, Hansol hyung, and Yuta have been taking turns glancing at him before whispering among themselves during breaks. Then again, those three weren’t known for their subtlety. Sicheng looks at him before stuttering and looking away when caught, while Kun frowns at him as though there was something weird on Johnny’s face. Mark still won’t talk to him, same goes with Donghyuk, Jeno, Renjun, Chenle, Jaemin, and Jisung. Taeil hyung and Jaehyun seem to be pretending there’s nothing going on, despite Taeyong pestering them both.

The members are staring at him and they aren’t being very subtle about it. The worst part is, he has no idea whether he wants to ask them what their problem is or if he’d rather let things pass. This is one of the many times Johnny actually wishes Doyoung isn't filming a show somewhere abroad. If Doyoung was around, he would have already said something to Johnny and ended everyone else’s awful attempts at subtlety. 

“Johnny, did something happen that I don’t know about?” Taeyong whispers as he passes him a water bottle. “Well… Besides you going missing last night…”

He wasn’t the only one to notice.

“I wasn’t here last night. You tell me, Taeyong.”

Before Taeyong can say anything else, Youngjun hyung approaches Johnny and wraps an arm around his shoulders.

“Johnny, wipe the sweat off your face,” Youngjun hyung says without any further preamble. “The higher-ups want to see you.”

Johnny says nothing else as he accepts the towel Youngjun hyung hands him. What does management want to see him for?

 

 

 

_**Wasted Limitless Idol** _

_Idol A, who is part of a boy group with a Limitless concept, was spotted engaging in wild behavior unbecoming of an idol at Cakeshop last night. This may have been the first time this idol was ever caught doing anything out of line, but scandals are not foreign to him. Let’s see how he will evade this one._

_Comments:  
Foreign? This has to be NCT’s Johnny_

_He’s already evaded national duty, and now he goes around clubbing?_

_If SM’s not going to do anything with him, he might as well get wasted._

_How stupid. Because he’s a foreigner, he thinks he can get away with anything._

_I was at the club too. He was with Sehun. They could have been drinking and they did nothing bad._

_I was at the club last night. He and EXO Sehun were there. Got a room to themselves… Should have gone out the back door too._

_How will SM cover this one up?_

"What is this?"

Johnny represses the sigh forming on his lips. CEO Youngmin's stare weighs him down as he waits for an answer.

"What makes you think I'm the idol in question?" The question escapes him before he can stop himself. The alcohol isn't done messing with his head. Otherwise, his brain-to-mouth filter would have reacted faster.

"How many successful boy groups do you know have a Limitless concept?" CEO Youngmin rolls his eyes as his eyes turn back to the screen. "You and Taeyong are the only ones who’ve been caught in heavy scandals during your career. Taeyong, with the false rumors about what he did as a child, and you for not having any plans of enlisting. Seeing that Taeyong was here last night, the article _is_ talking about you. Here's another article that isn't as subtle. It has photos to show it’s actually you. ”

_**NCT's Johnny Getting Shit-Faced in a Club. True or False?** _

_On April 1, Dispatch released photos of NCT’s Johnny (real name Suh Youngho) at an underground club called Cakeshop. In the pictures, you can see him sitting alone at a table with many bottles of soju and two glasses. Dispatch wasn’t certain whether he was with a man or a woman. The photographer who took the photos says Johnny was at the club the night before._

_In response to the pictures captured by Dispatch, a witness said that Johnny was spotted drinking and dancing at the nightclub. None of the witnesses could determine his companion’s identity. Other club-goers said that Johnny entered the club late in the evening and left the club with his dance partner at around 3:00am._

_Comments:_

_I don’t know why this is controversial when he’s an adult._

_Even if Johnny kissed or had sex with a girl, or even a boy, SM’s going to find a way to hide it._

_ㅋㅋwow ㅋㅋㅋㅋthat's the first time I'm seeing an idol in a club (t/n: sarcasm)_

_That's obviously Johnny. The fans must be pissedㅋㅋ_

_what the hellㅋㅋㅋ he's an adult he can go to clubsㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ turns out he's just an idol going to clubsㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ he's just an adult going to clubs, why are people bashing his personality?_

_American ba$tard, kick him out of the country and never let him back_

_I want to ask Johnny which he considers his mother country. He probably won't be able to say Korea... since he gained American citizenship just to evade the military. Yes, your mother country is America_

_Go live in America. You went to school there, you got your citizenship there, why do you have to be a singer in Korea? Go be a singer in America._

“There’s also an article written in English. Maybe you’ll understand that one better."

_**Johnny in the club… Literally.** _

_NCT's Johnny was spotted partying it up at an underground club called Cakeshop the other day! We have several photos of him dancing and drinking with an unknown man..._

Johnny doesn’t bother reading the rest of the article. It’s written just like the others, describing what he did in the club to exaggerated detail and probably some of the most unflattering photos of himself that he’d ever seen. He isn’t sure whether he wants to roll his eyes or laugh by the time he gets to the comments section. 

_"Kekeke if the members saw these photos, they would want to immediately go running to him and pull him by the hair kekekekekekeke,"_

_"If his parents saw this, they'd be upset. But then again, they're in America and unable to control their son,"_

_"The bastards who wrote comments, did none of you ever go to the club??"_

_"He's going to do it his way, so what do you care.. keke,"_

_"If he can go around clubbing so shamelessly, why can't he enlist for the army and be a man,"  
_

_Is no one going to let that issue about not enlisting die?_ It's been months since he said he wasn't enlisting because he isn't a Korean citizen. It’s too late for him to change his citizenship and sign up for mandatory military duty to silence the netizens. He never got an enlistment notice either. It’s not like he is evading mandatory military duty on purpose. His parents are Koreans, but he's an American citizen. Johnny was born in Chicago and pledges allegiance to the United States of America. The passport he uses is that of the United States of America; he has to settle visa issues at the U.S. Embassy.

Johnny takes a deep breath. He's not getting the reprieve he wants anytime soon. How many of the members have read the article? Is that why they were looking at him like some strange animal all day? Fuck this shit. He just wanted one night of peace from everything—from Mark's album, his song being used without his knowledge, being cast aside once again...

“To answer your question, Sir, I don’t know what the article means by engaging in behavior unbecoming of an idol,” Johnny says as calmly as possible. The best way out of trouble was to tell the truth. “Yes, I was at that club called Cakeshop. I was with Sehun, and we had a few drinks in a private area away from everyone else.”

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Sir. I'm sure."

Youngmin's stare pierces through Johnny's soul. His CEO doesn't need to know about what he did after he left the club. No one else, besides Ten, needs to know how he had spent the night with the person whose face he can't even remember. No names were exchanged, and Johnny doubts he'll ever see the other person again. The stranger didn't seem to know who he was either, so that should work in his favor.

"If that's the case, we'll just have to verify your story with Sehun's. If you were only drinking as you say, then this issue should die soon." CEO Youngmin looks up from his computer. "If I find out you've been hiding something from me, consequences won't be pretty..." The CEO clears his throat. "In any case, you may go."

 

 

 

_**SM releases statement on Johnny going clubbing** _

_Earlier today on April 1, KST, local news source Dispatch reported that NCT member Johnny was spotted behaving inappropriately at an underground club last night._

_His agency stated, “This is SM Entertainment. It is true that Johnny was at the club. Johnny and Sehun were catching up like old friends over drinks at the club. Once again, we sincerely apologize for worrying you.”_

Sehun backed up his statement that they were together the whole time. “It’s the least I can do,” Sehun had told him over KakaoTalk. “I dragged you out to go drinking… It’s my fault Dispatch got those photos of you.”

“That should be the end of it,” Johnny groans as he reads the article Ten showed him earlier.

“I hope it is,” Ten mutters as he takes a bite of his food.

 

 

 

About a week later, Ten comes running to Johnny after concert rehearsals, phone in tow.

"Johnny!" his friend screeches as he finally reaches him. "I thought you said you were careful and that no one spotted you at the club?"

Johnny frowns at Ten. "Are they still not letting it go? And what’s it to you? You’re not going to be affected by this..."

Ten says nothing, but hands him his phone. Johnny takes it, rolling his eyes as he braces himself for whatever bullshit he’s about to read.

_**[BREAKING] [NSFW] Purported photos of NCT’s Johnny making out with a stranger leaked** _

_An anonymous website and forum has uploaded several photos potentially depicting NCT member Johnny making out with a stranger at a club._

_SEE ALSO: NCT's Johnny Getting Shit-Faced in a Club. True or False?_

_While the photos are blurry, there is a definite correlation between the celebrity and the person in the photos. He's wearing the same clothes as he did during his supposed night out with EXO's Sehun. Furthermore, the man locking lips with Johnny is too short to be the aforementioned EXO member. There are also photos of Sehun leaving the club without Johnny._

_There are also photos of Johnny and his companion checking in at some hotel._

_We've blurred out most of the incriminating images, but you can check out his face and decide for yourself below. The original post has also been screen-captured for future reference._

"Really, Johnny?" Ten snaps. "I knew you were shit-faced enough to shove your dick up someone’s ass in public, but I didn’t think you’d be careless enough to allow yourself to get caught.”

Johnny has long since stopped giving a fuck about what the others have to say, but this is Ten, one of the few people to stand by him even at his most horrible times. However, Ten is looking at him with a fire in his eyes that Johnny’s never seen before. Shivers go down Johnny’s spine as he waits for his friend to explode.

"Fuck this shit, Johnny," Ten hisses. His voice more menacing than anything Johnny's heard in their more than ten years of knowing each other. "I hope that fuck was worth all this."

"It wasn't that great." Johnny has no idea why he says it, but he does. Whether it's to appease Ten's rage, or to stop the younger man from completely losing it, he doesn't know.

"If the sex wasn't that great, can you tell me who the person was then?"

"I would if I could," Johnny sighs. How Ten can get him to admit these things, he doesn't know. There are some things he'd rather not tell Ten, but his friend always has a way of figuring things out. It's usually more painless for Johnny to confess and get it over with. "I don't even remember his face."

"You’re gay?" Ten’s voice is a lot softer and definitely not as angry as it was earlier.

Johnny stops in his tracks at Ten’s words. His sexual preference was something he and his parents have known for a long time. Johnny didn’t exactly make any effort to hide it, considering how he jokingly flirted with some of them. But hearing it come from Ten’s lips has his head spinning.

"I thought you already knew." Johnny shrugs. "Taeyong and Mark know; Yuta and Hansol hyung have their suspicions too. I bet even Sicheng figured it out back when we first met... But how come you didn’t?"

Ten lets out a breath, mumbling something in Thai before he continues in English. “I never made any assumptions what your preferences were. We were too busy working our butts off and all... Besides, you never dated anyone or showed any interest in anybody."

This is how he’s going to lose one of his closest friends.

"It’s cool with me. Straight, gay, bi, plant, lizard, bear… You’re still you, so… yeah... You’ll always be the one and only Johnny Suh to me,” Ten says as he squeezes Johnny’s hand. Suddenly, Johnny is very aware of how cold and soft Ten’s hand is on his rougher, warm palm. “I’ll fight anyone who thinks otherwise.” 

Johnny shrugs, his chest ten times lighter than it was minutes ago. “Well, now you know. It’s not like it’s a secret or anything.”

 

 

 

“Come with me, Johnny,” Youngjun hyung says during one of their breaks from concert rehearsals. “Someone from the PR department wants to see you.”

Johnny sighs as he follows Youngjun hyung down the halls, toward the now-familiar corridor of the PR department. No doubt it’s about the articles that have come out. He supposes he might as well come clean and tell them what they’re probably going to confirm, and probably try to hide.

“Sorry, Johnny,” Youngjun hyung sighs as he knocks on the door. It’s nice to know there are still some people who care about him and aren’t just eager to throw him to the wolves.

When Johnny enters the room, he finds CEO Youngmin sitting behind the desk, with the director of PR Kim Euna standing behind him.

Director Euna gestures for Johnny and Youngjun hyung to sit down in front of them, and their CEO’s eyes bore into Johnny, glaring and disappointed.

“You remember when I asked you whether you left anything out of your story, yes? You told me there was nothing else that happened,” CEO Kim Youngmin begins, nails tapping on the desk. He then gestures to the tablet on the table. “Then what do you call that? Answer me, Youngho!”

Johnny stares at the CEO. His arguments—he’s a grown ass man who can have sex with whoever he wants and if he had been given stuff to do, he wouldn’t have even had time to be miserable to hit the club—die on his lips the minute his eyes land on his Youngjun hyung’s, begging Johnny to stay quiet.

When it’s clear to everyone in the room that Johnny’s got nothing to say, the CEO continues.

“While we could care less about your sexual preferences, your behavior was unacceptable. Before you try to make excuses for yourself, yes, we’re aware you’re an adult with needs, you could have been a little more discreet! Above all, you are an artist under SM Entertainment. The public knows you as one. It is our job to make sure to clean up after you as much as possible, and then you went and lied to us? We could have bought those photos, and their silence had we known you got that careless in public. What were you thinking?”

Director Kim picks up from where the CEO left off in a much gentler voice. “We could have done better damage control had you told us everything at the beginning.”

Johnny tries not to roll his eyes. Could they have done better damage control? What’s there to do damage control about being gay? Are they still living in the 1800s? Are they expecting some apology from him? Then again, Korea’s still catching up to the whole idea of equality for all, so he doesn’t know why he’s surprised.

“That night wasn’t one of your smarter decisions. I want that to be very clear,” the PR director points out the obvious, taking back the tablet from Johnny’s hands. 

_Well, duh,_ Johnny’s getting the message loud and clear.

Director Kim sighs before she continues. “I was hoping that the reason the CEO called you here was that we were finally going to be talking about promotions for your solo album, but that doesn’t seem like it will happen considering all the repercussions of this scandal.”

 _Wow._ Way to make him feel even more horrible about himself… rub it in his face that his solo venture’s going to be shelved for even longer as punishment for his one night out of the dungeons.

“I’ll deal with the repercussions of this outside of SM,” the PR director sighs. “You, Johnny, need to do your part too.”

“Will he have to admit that he’s gay?” Youngjun hyung interrupts, exchanging glances with Johnny.

The PR director shakes her head. “While we are trying to be more progressive regarding our beliefs, homophobia is still rather rampant here. What we need from you is a formal written apology for your recklessness in public, and that you will never repeat it. You will make no mention of your sexual preferences at all, as that is nothing to be sorry for and that is not something we talk about. You will give us a copy that we will release to the press, and you will post your hand-written one on your official Instagram account. That is all, Mr. Suh.”

Johnny sighs as he reads the written version of the instructions the PR director just issued him. He’s been nothing but obedient to SM for more than half of his life. That one time he rebelled felt so good, yet his puppet masters are all too eager to remind him that he’s still under their control. It’s almost a reminder that in the end, that’s all he ever will be to them, a puppet, and expressing any disappointment at the way his strings are being pulled—or in his case, being left in the dust—has harsh consequences.

“Understood.” That’s all he ever says before he’s dismissed, and gets up to leave.

_Nice to know some people in the company remember that I’m still around, being screwed over._

 

 

_“Hello, this is Johnny. After making a huge mistake and disappointing everyone, I was not able to work up the courage to truly explain what happened. With a heavy heart, I would like to ask that you forgive my tardiness and my omission. And I would like to try to say what I should have already said and try to apologize sooner as I should have for my mistakes that day. A few nights ago, I engaged in behavior that is deemed indecent by several people, and I was not aware that I hurt anyone’s feelings by my recklessness. I humbly apologize to all those who believed in and cheered for me. I was able to perform on stage thanks to all of you who have cheered for me and loved me. I also apologize for not admitting everything at once, believing that a little omission wouldn’t hurt anyone. The first statement we issued was the truth, but only a part of it. There are segments of it that I chose not to mention, until the media found out about them. I spent the last few days regretting that I neglected to sincerely apologize for what has happened. I hope that although it is too late, my sincerity will be seen by everyone. This incident taught me what is truly important. From now on I will try my best to behave like a better person, and show that I’ve learned from my mistake.”_

Johnny hands one copy of his written apology to Youngjun hyung, which has already been written in both English and Korean. All that’s left is to post them on his social media accounts. He sighs as he takes out his phone. Honestly, he’s not even sure whether management meant when they said being gay is nothing to apologize for.

“I don’t know about the others, but I don’t see anything wrong with Johnny being gay and hitting the club,” Taeyong says during the group meeting later on. “Anyone who has a problem with it can talk to me.” He glares at the rest of the members for good measure.

Ten scoffs from his perch on the floor. “Get in line, TY Track. They’ll have to face me first.”

Yuta shrugs from where he’s lying down on the sofa. “It doesn’t matter if Johnny prefers guys or girls,” he says, sitting up a little straighter. “Being gay isn’t something to be ashamed of. Attraction is attraction; love is love… It’s a free country, and gender-roles are so middle ages.”

None of the other members treated him any differently after the scandal came out, and he admitted that he was attracted to men. He had heard of groups wherein the dynamics had completely changed because feelings got involved, but it’s not the case among them. There was none of the “why didn’t you tell me?” or “get away from me” that he expected.

“Anyone who feels awkward about Johnny liking guys speak up now or forever hold your peace,” Taeil uncharacteristically shouts, as everyone else tries making their support for Johnny heard.

When he came out, everyone reacted as if he just said he wanted something to eat. The only odd comment he got was Jisung saying, “Isn’t it a bit too late to admit what everyone already knows, hyung?”

“Apparently, Ten missed the memo,” Johnny chuckles while Ten rolls his eyes. 

“Which brings us to the heart of the matter,” Taeyong says, bringing Johnny back to the present. “Apparently, it’s an idea tossed around by the higher ups…”

“If this is what I think it is…” Jaehyun interrupts.

“Are we going to have to make out on stage or something?” Johnny says as dryly as possible.

Taeyong says nothing, but the amusement and slight horror in his eyes confirms Johnny’s suspicions. Management is messing with him.

Taeyong sighs as he uncharacteristically flops down the couch. “They suggested a stage wherein we perform fan service… and… yeah. They want Johnny to kiss a member on the lips. A different member each night we’ll be performing.” He sighs as he struggles to find words to explain what the higher ups want.

“Let me guess,” Johnny interrupts. “They want to teach me a lesson, take advantage of my stupidity, and milk it for all the publicity it’s worth?”

“It’s not just about you, Johnny…” Ten mutters rolling his eyes. Johnny frowns. Ten always gets snippy whenever they talk about Johnny’s incident.

“But Johnny’s got a point,” Hansol hyung interrupts before Ten can say anything else. “If they wanted fan service, why can’t we just dress up in drag and do girl group songs or something?”

“Oh, you’d love that, won’t you, Hansol hyung?” Johnny smirks at Hansol hyung as Yuta chuckles next to him.

“If you put it that way, that is a foul method to ‘punish’ Johnny,” Taeil hyung trails off, staring at the window outside. “It’s not right, or fair at all.”

Turning to Taeyong, Ten adds, “So… management wants us all to kiss Johnny on the lips?”

“I don’t know what the concert producers are thinking, but yes,” Taeyong mutters as he massages his temples.

“It’s the only way I’ll be allowed to get any action, I suppose…” Johnny snorts.

It’s a cheap shot at a joke, but he’ll take what he can get. Johnny can’t help but burst out laughing at the younger members’ somewhat scandalized faces. Jisung looks as if he’s forgotten how to breathe. Taeyong simply rolls his eyes at Johnny.

“No!” Ten blurts out before anyone can say anything else. He rushes over to squish himself in the little space next to Johnny on the easy chair. Ten’s hands are as still as soft as the last time Johnny held them. The determination in Ten’s eyes stirs something inside his chest Johnny doesn’t understand.

“Johnny,” Ten says as he grips Johnny’s hand tight. “I don’t want you to feel like you’re being forced to do this. You can say no if you don’t want to do it. No one here is forcing you.” Johnny squeezes Ten's hand back, and a voice at the back of his head whispers to him not to let it go.

Yuta nods. “Ten’s right. It’s your choice in the end, Johnny. We’re your brothers. We’ll support whatever you decide.” 

Johnny must have saved a country in his past life to have band mates, no, friends like his members. He bets that if he had been in some other group, they would have probably been plotting his death by now. No, wait. He'd probably be dead.

“I’ll do it,” Johnny sighs, running a hand through his hair. “If I don’t, they’ll find some other way to mess with me and fuck me up. Apparently, being shelved isn’t punishment enough.”

"Are you sure about this, Johnny hyung?" Kun speaks up for the first time.

If he says no, they will find some other probably more fucked up way to mess with him. This is the price he pays for stepping out of line for at least one night.

"Not like I really have a choice, do I?" Johnny sighs.

These are his friends, brothers, and family rolled into one insane bunch. They had nothing to do with his crazy night out, so management should have left them out of this. The others are offering an escape route, but he has to accept his punishment now... It is his fault they're in this situation.

"In the end, we are all just puppets," Johnny sighs as he stares at the wall behind Hansol hyung's head. "We do what they want, or we face the consequences... Learn from me, kids." He lets out a hollow laugh as he rolls his eyes.

"So... does this mean you'll do it?" Sicheng whispers from beside Kun.

Johnny sighs. "I suppose... unless no one wants to kiss me?" Another pathetic attempt to lighten the mood. But Ten's grip on his hand relaxes, and the amused, yet somewhat exasperated smile on Taeil hyung's and Yuta's lips are enough for Johnny.

Taeyong shrugs. “I for one don't mind. There's no malice in it, anyway.”

Taeil smiles, calm and collected amidst the chaos. "I'm fine with it as well, as long as Johnny is."

Johnny doesn’t miss how Yuta and Hansol hyung exchange glances before turning back to him.

“Count Yuta and me in as well,” Hansol hyung says, with Yuta nodding beside him.

Kun and Sicheng whisper to each other in hushed Chinese. All those Chinese lessons have paid off, as he knows what they're about to say. Kun simply nods at him.

"I think Doyoung would have agreed to it too," Jaehyun says. "And I'm also going to give it a go. All for one, one for all."

What did Johnny do to deserve them all?

"Ten?" Taeil's voice has Johnny looking at his friend who is still holding his hand. Johnny's eyes land on Ten's thin, pink lips.

"I..." Ten whispers. Ten's eyes look anywhere but at Johnny's direction as he contemplates on the matter.

Johnny almost reaches for Ten's face to assure him that Ten doesn't have to do this if he doesn't want to. However, the thought of Ten not participating in this sends Johnny's heart sinking. Ten has his own beliefs, and Johnny should respect them. Ten may not support him this way, but he has been there when no one else was. That's more than enough for Johnny.

A small smile appears on Ten's lips. "Count me in," he says with a smirk. "I have to know whether Johnny's lips are worth all the trouble." The weight in Johnny's chest disappears as Ten throws him a playful wink and everyone else laughs. This is the lightest and most amused Johnny's been all week.

As their laughter finally subsides, Johnny adds, “Before anyone asks, I draw the line at Sicheng. Sorry, kids." Looking at the youngest members of the group, he chuckles at how Jisung's shoulders sagged, and at how Donghyuk's and Jaemin's kissy faces turned into pouts. Jeno, Chenle, and Renjun burst out laughing when Mark lets out a sigh of relief.

"At least I don't have to endure Eunji’s teasing of having another man in our relationship," Mark mutters under his breath. “Eunji referring to Donghyuk over here as my so-called side-hoe is enough as it is!”

No one can control their laughter at that point, all serious matters were forgotten for the day.

 

 

 

The sea of neon green lights is a form of solace to Johnny after a rough few months. Bangkok has been especially special to them as a group, so being here on stage for their fans is like coming home to Johnny. He’s uncertain whether Thai fans are just genuinely accepting of him, despite all his shortcomings or if they’re putting up with the rest of NCT just for Ten’s sake.

Then again, if there’s any dislike for him, it’s not as blatantly obvious here as it was back in Korea and China. Back in their Korea and China concerts, Johnny had to endure the sight of a few banners telling him to go back where he came from. Here in Thailand, he hears nothing but screams of appreciation for him and the rest of the group.

Johnny prances over to where Ten is waiting, pretending he’s unaware that it’s his turn to be kissed tonight. As Johnny sings his part, he smirks at the audience while Ten is focused on performing the choreography for the dance break.

Apparently, fans are more tolerant of him kissing the other members, as long as it’s clear it’s fanservice. It isn’t as disgusting or as awkward as he thought it would be. If anything, they just ended up snickering at each other, along with some play-acting from the member Johnny kissed. Kun, Yuta, and Jaehyun had all pretended to swoon, while Taeyong, Yuta, Hansol hyung, and Taeil hyung had all just laughed in his face after their lips met. The members he’s kissed so far are far from his type, so the fans can keep themselves calm.

Johnny gives Ten a long and meaningful look. Ten has always been pretty. His eyes lined with dark eyeliner and clothing revealing just enough for people’s imagination suddenly have Johnny’s knees weakening with every step he takes toward his friend. Ten moves like the wind and water as the music plays. His smile is almost deceptive. There’s innocence with hidden promises of pleasure one would be stupid to refuse. A simple, precise flick of his wrist, which was usually nothing to Johnny under normal circumstances suddenly beckon Johnny to come over. Tonight, under the glowing stage lights, Ten is nothing short of captivating in Johnny’s eyes.

Shaking his thoughts away to focus on the mission at hand, Johnny grabs Ten by the wrist, as they had choreographed. His other hand strokes Ten’s smooth flushed face, from dancing no doubt. The flush is a stark contrast to the natural, sun-kissed tan that covers the rest of Ten’s body. Ten almost trips as Johnny’s eyes follow his fingers trailing Ten’s face, lingering on the curve of his jaw. How could he not have noticed this beauty who’s been by his side all these years?

 _Hold up_. Where did that come from? Johnny dismisses it in the heat of the moment as the warmth of Ten’s skin under his palm is all he knows at the moment. Johnny’s thumb parts Ten’s lips slowly, carefully, but his eyes opt to focus on Ten’s eyes instead.

Ten’s eyes carry none of the amusement Johnny had seen in Taeil hyung’s and Yuta’s eyes; neither is it the boredom in Hansol hyung’s and Taeyong’s. It definitely isn’t the same brand of curiosity Jaehyun and Kun carried. Johnny doubts the light in Ten’s dark eyes is the same naivete in Sicheng’s.

Ten’s eyes look dazed, perhaps a little more mesmerized than anyone else’s Johnny has ever kissed in the group. At that moment, under the shining lights, Ten has never looked more breathtaking. 

Ten licks his thin, pink lips, in what Johnny suspects is anticipation in getting this over with. Johnny’s eyes follow Ten’s tongue, and suddenly, he wishes he’s licking those lips instead. Ten’s teeth drag along his bottom lip, and Johnny has an undeniable urge to soothe them with his tongue.

Ten puts a hand on Johnny’s chest, as if he can hear the filthy thoughts in Johnny’s head. Perhaps Johnny’s just projecting, but he likes to think Ten is giving him permission to take all that he has to offer. With one last look at Ten’s eyes, challenging Johnny to go for it finally,Johnny takes what he can. The sweetness of Ten’s lips are unlike anything he’s ever tasted from anyone else before. Ten throws his head back, and Johnny wants more.

Feeling adventurous, not to mention unable to resist, Johnny runs his tongue along the seams of Ten’s chapped lips. He doesn’t expect Ten’s knees to buckle as his lips part to let him in. Johnny familiarizes himself with the soft inner walls of Ten’s mouth. Their tongues playing a game of tug-of-war before Ten’s teeth sink into Johnny’s lower lip.

Ten continues to lure him in, throwing his arms around Johnny's neck and lacing his fingers around Johnny's nape. In return, Johnny's hands find purchase on Ten's hips to keep the younger boy from falling. Johnny almost moans in Ten's mouth, his grip on the other boy's hips being the only thing preventing them from melting into each other. Johnny chases Ten's mouth again, shuddering when Ten's teeth pull at his lower lip.

Just as Johnny is about to leave his mark on Ten's neck, Ten pushes him off. It's as if they both suddenly remember where they are. They’re still on stage with the other members, and their fans are seated a few feet away from them in the audience.

Their eyes meet as they attempt to regain their breaths. Ten looks every bit as wrecked as Johnny feels. Part tired, part in disbelief, part dazed, and there's something else that Johnny doesn't comprehend. He did this. No other man has ever kissed Ten to the point he had almost fallen to his knees like this. Nothing else has ever made Johnny want more than the way Ten’s lips just did.

As they proceed with the rest of the show, the only thing Johnny remembers is how Ten’s teeth have pulled softly on his lips and how Ten's eyes lingered on Johnny's lips as they parted. Johnny’s eyes drift over to the secondary stage, where Ten dodges a water gun attack from Jaemin. Ten’s eyes shine brighter than the stage lights and the fan lights combined as he laughs despite being drenched. 

Johnny barely has time to blink as Ten rushes in his direction, arms outstretched with Jisung and Mark hot on his heels.

“Help! Save me!” Ten screams as he sprints in Johnny’s direction.

Just as Johnny’s about to save Ten, Ten slips past him before hiding behind Sicheng. Johnny tries not to frown. Then again, both their water guns had run out of ammo earlier when all members of hyung-line collaborated against the younger members. He should know; they discarded their water guns at the same time. Since then, Ten has teamed up with Yuta and Hansol hyung, while Johnny sticks with Taeyong and Jaehyun.

Johnny barely has time to process what just happened before something hits the back of his neck. Turning around, he spots Mark snickering at him. Shouting, Johnny chases after Mark who repeatedly shoots him in the chest.

Later on, they’re running around the stage, throwing flowers and their handwritten thank you notes to the audience, when Ten’s arm brushes against Johnny’s. This is the first time they’ve been within inches of each other. Ten’s eyes flit upward to Johnny’s face. Johnny doesn’t have a chance to interpret the look in those eyes because they dart away to look elsewhere. When Johnny reaches for Ten’s hand, Ten sprints away without looking back.

When they say their goodbyes, Johnny finds himself standing on the opposite end of their lineup, and as per their formation, Ten stands all the way over the other end. Their eyes meet for a moment, Ten’s eyes widening as Johnny smiles at him. Instead of smiling back at Johnny, Ten’s eyes immediately shift elsewhere. Is there something on his face? He sighs as he focuses on the audience instead.

Even as they wave to the fans for one last time, for some odd reason, Ten automatically latches onto Yuta, laughing at something Hansol hyung said. Johnny isn’t usually the type to cling to people like a leech, but it feels a little empty without Ten laughing next to him.

They may only be standing a few feet away from each other, but suddenly, Ten feels a million miles away from him.

 

 

 

The adrenaline in Johnny’s veins refuses to settle even long after they’ve said their goodbyes and made their final bows. And in his case, adrenaline leads to being famished. Luckily for him, Taeil hyung suggests that they head to the same restaurant where they filmed NCT Life Bangkok back then to celebrate. To everyone’s surprise, the managers agree.

They go for the same car and seating arrangements as before, with Jaehyun, Johnny, and Doyoung sharing the back seat, Taeyong and Ten in front of them, with Youngjun hyung calling shotgun. For once in his life, Ten doesn’t snap at Taeyong to switch seats with Johnny. Jaehyun raises an eyebrow at Johnny, who shrugs as Doyoung tells them about how he and his other castmates got lost in the jungle while arguing among themselves where the pitstop was.

As they arrive at the restaurant, Johnny attempts to reach for Ten’s shoulder to catch up. Unfortunately, Ten has already made his way to Yuta and Hansol hyung. Even in the restaurant, Ten opts to sit in between Yuta and Kun, while Johnny chooses to sit next to Taeyong.

“Can someone pass me the pad thai, please?” Johnny asks once the food arrives.

From across him, Ten picks it up without looking away from his plate. When their hands touch, Ten’s eyes flit over to Johnny’s for a split second before focusing on his food again. Johnny’s heart jolts in that split-second their eyes meet, and he can’t have imagined the static that passed between their fingertips.

When they climb back into the car, Ten opts to sit next to Doyoung in front. He leaves Johnny as an unwilling audience to Jaehyun’s awful attempts at flirting with an oblivious Taeyong. The fans will have a field day if they could see what happens when they think no one’s looking…

Ten falls back asleep as soon as the vehicle starts, but he only leans back against the chair rather than cuddle Doyoung like a human stuffed toy, as he usually does when he falls asleep in the car. Ten’s often clung to Johnny in his sleep before. For some unknown reason, Johnny smirks. 

_So what the fuck gives?_

By the time they arrive at the hotel, all everyone wants to do is go to bed, Johnny included. As Ten hands Johnny his key to their hotel room, Ten’s eyes remain focused on the keys instead of Johnny’s face. Johnny reaches to put an arm around Ten, as they always do, only for Ten to shrug him off. Ten bolts toward the elevator, leaving Johnny no choice but to follow. In there, Ten sticks to Hansol hyung and Yuta’s sides.

_What the—?_

As they walk out of the elevator, Johnny reaches for Ten once again, only for Ten to latch onto Doyoung, who seems to take it all in stride.

Apparently, Ten will be sleeping in Doyoung’s room tonight, as the two of them are part of the _1 Day 2 Nights_ Bangkok episode which they will be filming the next day. Johnny shrugs as Ten relays the news, his eyes on the intricately decorated walls rather than on Johnny. Ten just bids him good night, without the usual hugs they exchange. As Johnny looks for Taeil hyung, he hears Yuta call out for Ten. Against his better judgment, Johnny glances over at Yuta’s direction. Yuta and Ten are in the middle of exchanging good night hugs, but Yuta’s eyes meet Johnny’s. Johnny can’t decipher the smirk on Yuta’s lips as he tightens his hold around Ten’s waist.

 _What the actual fuck?_ Johnny stares at the back of Ten’s head, as if that will get him answers.

Before he can stop himself, Johnny’s eyes land on the back of Ten’s neck and his eyes trail all the way down until they stop at Ten’s ass. As Ten turns back, his eyes rise to meet Johnny’s for a split-second—with Johnny’s heart racing at that moment—before turning away quickly.

Unfortunately, he ends up walking straight into Taeil hyung’s back before landing butt-first on the ground. Ten has disappeared from his line of vision as a chuckling Taeil hyung helps him up. 

What is going on here and why is he so affected?

 

 

 

Ten still refuses to look Johnny in the eye even when they’ve flown back to Korea. Even as they film variety shows, he prefers to stick with any member other than Johnny. They haven’t gone without speaking to each other for more than a day until now. Johnny has no idea what he did wrong. He didn’t fight Ten during the night of the concert, and he doesn’t remember doing anything remotely offensive to Ten.

But if Ten insists on avoiding him, then fine. Johnny will give him what he wants.

Ten has several individual schedules to attend to while Johnny’s stuck in the practice rooms, making it easier to avoid each other all day. The fact that they live in the same dorm and share a room means they will meet at some point. Ten glances at him before going to his side of the room, and Johnny does the same. Every day, he can feel their group mates’ frustration and confusion during meals, car rides, and practices together.

As they make their way home from yet another schedule, Johnny calls dibs on the shower before anyone else can react. He’s hot, sticky, and probably smells disgusting, and that is not a state he’d like to be in before he goes to bed. Johnny’s eyes drift over to Ten heading to the kitchen before he makes his way to the shower.

It’s been weeks since Johnny and Ten stopped talking to each other. However, fixing things between them is easier said than done. He has several chances to have a conversation with Ten over dinner, during practice, or when they’re on the way to a schedule. He can also simply roll over and talk to Ten as they’re lying in their beds.

How can he say sorry for something he doesn’t know he did?

Admittedly, fear is also holding him back. Sure, they can patch things up, but how sure is he that things will be the same as before?

Johnny almost considers asking Taeyong or Yuta for help, but he’s not in the mood to talk to anyone about his feelings. 

Not even a cold shower helps clear the many overwhelming thoughts and questions in Johnny’s head. Sighing, he steps out of the shower with only a towel wrapped around his waist and his hair half-dried. As he opens the door, he slams into someone and has to hold onto the doorknob to keep himself from slipping.

Johnny mutters an apology and looks down, only for his eyes to land on a bathrobe-clad Ten, who has fallen to the floor. Johnny’s eyes trail from Ten’s face downward to his exposed collarbones, and Johnny wonders how red they would be once he’s done biting and sucking them.

 _No, stop. Where’d that come from?_ Ten’s attractive, but Johnny’s never entertained such thoughts about his friend… At least not until they kissed on stage. 

A cough interrupts his musings. Ten probably wants to use the bathroom, and he’s in the way. Johnny steps aside and Ten brushes past him as he storms into the bathroom.

Johnny can’t help but smirk at the jolt he feels when their shoulders brush against each other.

_Sparks._

 

 

 

Johnny’s always known that shipping was a huge part of K-pop fan culture. He’s never paid attention to it because he’s always known it could affect group dynamics. However, today, he finds himself with his fingers hovering over the laptop as he is about to venture into unfamiliar territory.

Johnny and Ten have always been close, ever since Ten entered SM in 2013. It was inevitable, as Ten was the new kid in the company who could barely speak a word of Korean but could speak English. Johnny took it upon himself to befriend him, show him around, teach him Korean, and be Ten’s personal translator. Apparently, the fans have guessed this much too, considering all the fan fiction he has discovered in his search.

When EXO’s final lineup had been announced, a small part of Johnny died when all his friends were going to debut without him. By then, both Jinho hyung and Seungyeon noona had already left, leaving Johnny alone and friendless. Sure, there was Taeyong, but they only became closer after the SMRookies lineup was formed.

Ten, however, managed to consume all of Johnny’s attention that wasn’t devoted to lessons and training. He had never been as responsible for anyone else. Sure, he eventually took Mark under his wing as well, and Ten grew close to other trainees like Yuta and Hansol hyung. Somehow, he and Johnny always found their way back to each other. 

He suddenly wonders what things would have been like if fate had different plans for them. If he had debuted with EXO, he doubts he would have had the chance to get to know Ten as closely as this. If Ten had accepted the contract with Starship, Johnny doubts their paths would have ever crossed. If things went differently, he’d be living a life without Ten in it.

His chest grows heavy at the thought.

The way Ten’s eyes shone when they went out on a midnight walk back in their trainee days suddenly comes to the forefront of his memories. Johnny couldn’t sleep after one of their songwriting teachers told him that his song wasn’t good enough. In the struggle to figure out what was wrong, he had invited Ten to go out with him for a walk. Ten had agreed since he also needed the inspiration to come up with choreography.

Although Johnny struggled to find anything by the end of the night, Ten had claimed to say he found it quickly. When Johnny had begged for the source, Ten had said, “I think you already know where I found it, Johnny.”

What Johnny never tells anyone is that Ten’s eyes shined like the stars under the moonlight as he took in the many sights and sounds of Seoul that night. He suddenly wishes that he had pulled Ten in his arms, basking in the warmth and comfort of Ten’s embrace. If he was brave enough, he would have wrapped his arms around Ten’s waist and pulled him close so that their faces were touching—What is he even thinking?

“Johnny? Are you with us?” Taeyong asks, waving a hand across Johnny’s face.

Johnny blinks. Everyone else is looking at him with concern as they all stand in the middle of the practice room. Johnny’s eyes lock with Ten’s before Ten’s eyes flit toward the floorboards.

Johnny wonders if Ten’s eyes will ever look at him the same way they did at those lights that night. _Wait…_ How does he even remember how beautiful Ten’s eyes were, and why does he want Ten to look at him like that?

“Y-Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just tired, that’s all,” he sighs as he focuses on looking into the mirror as they resume practice.

“We’re all tired.” Taeyong snorts as Ten chuckles, the sound of Ten’s chuckling sending static down Johnny’s spine. “Come on, Johnny, focus.”

This doesn’t match his expectations of what a life-changing moment should be. It’s more of an admission of something he had always known but never acknowledged. His friends must have known. The fans are onto something. Johnny is in love with Ten, and there’s no doubt about that. 

The only questions are whether Johnny deserves Ten and whether Ten sees him as someone he can love in that way. 

 

 

 

“Johnny,” Taeyong calls out to him as they finish cleaning the dorm. “Can I ask you for a favor?”

“What is it?” Johnny asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Can I borrow a charger?” Taeyong asks.

“Sure, let me get it. Wait a minute.” Johnny says.

It’s not like Taeyong to borrow a charger from anyone, as he’s rather particular about his things. But Johnny supposes that Taeyong’s charger finally broke, and he hasn’t had time to go out and buy a new one.

He leads Taeyong to his room, and for some reason, Jaehyun and Taeil hyung follow them both like puppies. “Did you want to borrow something too?” Johnny asks them.

Jaehyun shakes his head while Taeil hyung simply smiles at him.

Shrugging to himself, Johnny retrieves his charger from his desk. He hands it over to Taeyong, who is talking to Jaehyun. Johnny moves toward the door, only for both Taeyong and Jaehyun to rush over to block the doorway as Taeil hyung pins him to his chair.

“Need something else?” Johnny asks with a frown. “Otherwise, why are you standing there? And why am I being held down to my chair?”

“Oh… uh…” Taeil stutters as he looks over his shoulder and brightens up. “Oh look, they’re here! Hansol! Yuta!”

Jaehyun and Taeyong part to show the newcomers. Hansol hyung and Yuta have shown up by the doorway, smirking.

In between Hansol hyung and Yuta is Ten, and Johnny’s heart stops in his ribcage.

He hears Kun chuckling from behind Ten. “It was Taeyong hyung’s idea, actually,” he says.

“Yeah,” Taeyong chimes in, arms crossed as Hansol hyung and Yuta walk into the room, dragging Ten by the arms along with them. “I’ve had enough of the two of you avoiding each other and hiding your feelings. As leader of NCT, it’s my job to put a stop to this madness.”

“There’s something between you, and anyone with brains and a nose can smell it from miles away,” Yuta adds with a roll of his eyes. “We can’t take any more episodes of the Johnny and Ten drama!”

“I can’t do this,” Johnny mutters. He struggles to wriggle free from Taeil hyung’s grip, but Taeil hyung is quick to pin him down to the chair with unusual strength from the oldest member.

“You two will resolve your crap or I swear on my life, I am going to find some way to kill you both in your sleep,” Doyoung snarls from his place by the doorframe as Taeil hyung nods while Hansol hyung and Yuta force Ten to sit on Johnny’s bed.

“Have fun, you guys! Try keeping it down, OK? The children will be coming home soon,” Sicheng croons. He sticks his tongue out and he leads the others out of the room.

As soon as the door closes, Ten shifts away from Johnny’s bed to his own, refusing to make eye contact. It’s a miracle he hasn’t run away yet; it was almost impossible for them to stay within two feet of each other for longer than one minute. Johnny moves from his desk chair to his bed, and trying and testing the things he wants to say.

“I’m sorry.”

Ten looks at him, but he doesn’t snap, doesn’t roll his eyes, so Johnny thinks it’s a good sign to continue.

“I don’t know what I did wrong, but I’m sorry if I ever offended you or pissed you off. I… I’m willing to fix things between us, but what did I even do? You probably hate me, but… we have to be professional unless we want fans starting more rumors,” Johnny sighs. “I’m really sorry, and I hope we can find a way to make things work again.”

Ten says nothing, but his eyes are ablaze as he stares at Johnny’s face. Johnny feels goosebumps on his skin as Ten’s eyes trail from his face, down to his neck, before stopping at his chest.

“Why did you make out with me that night onstage?” Ten blurts out.

Johnny stops in his tracks. Of all things Ten could ask, it had to be what they had talked about for months prior to it happening.

“The others simply got a peck on the lips,” Ten seethes, a single tear rolling down his cheek. “But you shoved your tongue down my throat and kissed me like it actually meant something to you when we both know that’s not the case.”

“Because I wanted to,” Johnny replies with all the honesty he has.

Ten makes a sound that Johnny isn’t certain is a grunt or a scream. Johnny simply raises an eyebrow in response.

“I don’t know how to say this,” Ten blurts out as he paces around their room. He stops right in front of Johnny. “But I’m in love with you.”

Of all the times he dreamed of confessing to Ten, being sticky, and sweaty in his room was definitely not how he imagined it would go.

“Excuse me?” Johnny asks, before his brain to mouth filter can stop him.

It’s Ten’s turn to sigh. “I’ve been in love with you for the longest time, Johnny… ever since we were trainees,” Ten rambles. “And that night… when you kissed me, no, made out with me onstage, it was both everything I’d wished for and feared at the same time. I’ve always dreamed of you kissing me like that, and during those few minutes, I dared myself to hope that maybe… for a few minutes, I can kiss you like how I’ve always wanted to.”

Ten takes a deep breath before he continues. “I love you, Johnny, really, I do,” Ten continues. “So, just tell it to me straight whether you can reciprocate my feelings or not, because I refuse to keep hoping for something that will never happen. And I am not here for you to play with my feelings like I thought you did that night at Bangkok.”

Johnny blinks. His throat dries up at the realization of how close they are and how vulnerable Ten is at the moment. He knows the answer Ten wants to hear—but Johnny isn’t prepared for this at all—he supposes Ten deserves an answer nonetheless.

“Ten...” Johnny whispers. “I…”

“You don’t have to say anything yet, Johnny…” Ten sighs as he steps toward the door.

Johnny wraps a hand around Ten’s wrist and pulls him closer. “Stay…” Johnny whispers.

He’s aware of how close they are, and Johnny bets Ten can hear his heart pounding against his chest. Ten’s eyes are darker than they usually are. Johnny’s eyes are distracted by Ten’s tongue, which peeked out to lick his lips. Johnny takes a chance and closes the distance between them.

Suddenly, everything—the knowing looks from the others, Ten’s source of inspiration, his own heart’s behavior when Ten is around—makes so much sense. 

Johnny presses Ten closer to him, a hand shifting to hold his waist with a gentle pressure. He sucks on Ten’s bottom lip, more gently this time. Ten’s slim body is warm against Johnny’s. Ten’s arms wrap themselves around Johnny’s neck, pulling him closer much gentler and less desperate than the first time in Bangkok.

Johnny’s fingers dig deeper into Ten’s hipbones as Ten pulls away, both their breaths shallow. Ten’s cheeks are flushed pink, and his lips swollen, but Johnny can’t get enough. He wants more, but Ten’s hand on his chest stops him.

“I’m sorry,” Ten whispers. “This… This is a mistake.”.

“Excuse me?” Ten just kissed him and now he says this is a mistake? What the hell?

Ten sighs. “This isn’t the best of times for us to start dating… As you know, everyone’s eyes are on us,” he explains. “We’re pretty much public property.”

Johnny’s heart comes crashing to the ground, and he’s about to walk out when Ten speaks again, much softer this time.

“But… if I’m going to take a risk… I want it to be with you.”

It’s a challenge, and a chance, so Johnny takes it.

“I promise, I will make the risk worth it,” he whispers as their lips meet again.

 

 

 

When they inform the others that they’re dating, Johnny did not expect the others to roll their eyes and for Donghyuk to shout “About time!” at their faces.

As they head over to practice, Taeyong pulls Johnny aside. “Johnny, you’re my best friend, and I am 100 percent supportive of your relationship,” he whispers. “But as the leader of the group, I feel like I have to remind you and Ten to be careful. You know that...”

Johnny nods as war flashbacks of the aftermath of his night at the club come back to haunt him. If anything, he’s going to be responsible for both himself and Ten now. 

Nothing major has changed since they started dating. They still goof off, hang out with the others, practice, record, exercise, and practice some more. The only difference is that they get to sneak kisses and touches in between when no one’s looking.

 

 

 

 

Johnny almost forgets why he went drinking and clubbing with Sehun back then until Youngjun hyung announces that Mark’s solo promotions are beginning in two weeks. He will be promoting the song “Letters” and that all of them are expected to show up to support Mark at some point. 

Johnny would have been able to deal with it; however, to both his and Mark’s frustration, management didn’t include Johnny’s name in the song credits for the title track.

“I tried, hyung,” Mark sighs later on that evening. “I really did.”

Johnny sighs as he says nothing. There’s no use being upset over what has already happened. He’s already been overlooked once; there’s no surprise he’s being overlooked again.

No matter how many times it happens, being ignored by those whose approval Johnny seeks still hurts.

Johnny tells Ten this much when they walk out to the park later on. Ten usually has a lot to say, but what most people don’t know is that Ten is an even better listener. Ten doesn’t give the most insightful answers like Taeil hyung or Taeyong would, nor is he the type to offer to beat up people—that’s Yuta’s job. Ten only sits and listens, without any judgment, and for that Johnny’s thankful.

He concludes with, “I want to be there for Mark, but hearing that song is a reminder of what I’ve yet to achieve and how… once again I’ve been screwed over. I love Mark, and I want the song to do well, but—”

“You also want to prove that you could have promoted that song instead. Am I right?” Ten interrupts.

Despite himself, Johnny nods.

“Johnny…” Ten chews at his bottom lip, as he does when struggling to find the words to say. “I think—” He inches closer to Johnny as he takes his hand, and Johnny squeezes Ten’s hand in response. “I could probably be just projecting, but maybe you feel that way because you’ve been waiting for so long. You’ve been doing so much more waiting than any of us have done. And the reason this song affects you so much is that it’s a reminder of being—sorry for this—cast aside once again and having to wait even more.”

Ten knows him best, and there’s a high chance he’s right. Currently, Mark is his only way to get that song heard. Even if Johnny never gets to promote a song he wrote, the fact that he was part of that song’s journey can be a compromise he’ll have to learn to live with.

He must have been thinking about it too much because he almost doesn’t notice how Ten’s head rests on his shoulder. In response, Johnny lets go of Ten’s had to wrap an arm around his waist.

“Are you feeling better now?” Ten whispers. From the corner of his eye, Johnny sees Ten’s chest rising and falling as he breathes.

“I guess I am…” Johnny presses a kiss on the top of Ten’s head. “Thanks for listening to me and not yelling at me.”

“It’s part of the job description, I’m afraid.” Ten chuckles. There’s a long stretch of silence before Ten sighs. “I don’t feel like going back to the dorm yet.”

“What do you suggest we do?” Johnny asks, looking around for what they can do at one in the morning.

“I… I don’t know...” Ten releases his grip on Johnny, his eyes with a hint of curiosity in them. “Got any ideas?”

Adrenaline’s flowing in Johnny’s veins, and they’re protected by the darkness of the park. He turns to face Ten. He smirks when Ten lets out a sharp breath, all curiosity in his eyes replaced by something more intense. Ten wants what he wants, and it’s only a matter of self-control whether they can find a hiding place in time or not.

“Johnny, what are you—”

Johnny mumbles, “Screw it” before leaning in, capturing Ten’s lips with his own.

“We’re doing this out here?” Ten laughs between kisses, though he wraps his arms around Johnny’s neck. “Where we hope and pray no one sees us?”

Johnny shrugs. “I’m feeling rather reckless,” he whispers as he gently presses his lips onto Ten’s.

Johnny’s tongue slips inside Ten’s mouth as Ten’s fingers grip his hair, pulling him closer. Even if they’ve kissed several times, it always feels like there’s something new to discover about Ten. He wants to know everything, what Ten’s fantasies are, what his limits are, and what it takes to make Ten think of nothing but Johnny… Johnny wants to learn them all.

Johnny gently presses Ten into the bench as he slips his hand under Ten’s layers of clothing. Ten gasps at the sudden collision, but arches against him with a moan that almost makes Johnny give in to the feeling. The warm, smooth skin a welcome reprieve from the cold air surrounding them. Ten’s muscles tense as Johnny’s fingers trail over them, with Johnny still in awe that it is all his doing that makes Ten come undone.

He’s about to lead Ten to a more comfortable area to do more intimate things, but a flash of light catches his attention. He doesn’t see anyone save for a silver car near the entrance to the park. God knows who can be in that car. “Shit,” he curses.

“What’s up?” Ten whispers, now sitting up and his eyes darting around the place.

“Don’t look back now,” Johnny hisses as he glares at the driver of the car. Thank God for winter time, allowing Ten to be all covered up. “I think we’ve got company. Hope they just arrived… That car wasn’t there earlier....”

“What do we do?” Ten hisses back. “We can’t get into a scandal. Not when Mark’s about to promote.”

Johnny knows that, and he can’t get Ten into trouble. He takes a deep breath. “We walk like we're not hiding from anyone, and head to the nearest GS25,” he replies. “We will go and get snacks for ourselves and the members, especially Mark’s favorites as part of our support present for him, then head back to the dorm.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Ten mutters as he nods.

Johnny takes the lead as he and Ten head over to the nearest convenience store. Fortunately, the silver vehicle stops following them by the time they arrive at the closest GS25. They grab everything they need, and none of them say a single word as they take a hidden shortcut back to the dorm.

 

 

_**NCT’s Johnny reported to be dating** _

_Media outlet 'Dispatch' has dropped quite the news today as they have unleashed their exclusive report regarding an alleged relationship between SM Entertainment artist Johnny and an unidentified man!_

_SEE ALSO: Purported photos of NCT’s Johnny making out with a stranger leaked_

_'Dispatch' says that the two were spotted at the park last night, talking about private matters. This is the first time reporters have spotted Johnny with a man since the incident at the club. They wonder whether this man is the same person Johnny made out with at the club several months ago._

_An insider revealed, "Johnny has always preferred small, slim, pretty types. It’s not surprising his boyfriend would match those requirements."_

_Stay tuned for updates including a statement from SM!_

“Well… Fuck this shit,” Johnny mutters as he reads the report the following day.

Ten says nothing, but he has his hands in his head. Johnny’s grateful that the reporters didn’t recognize Ten underneath all those layers. But fans might be able to put two and two together if they see anything remotely familiar.

“What do we do, Johnny?” Ten finally croaks, his voice sounding more broken than anything Johnny’s heard in a while. “This is awful timing. We promised we wouldn’t get into trouble and then they’re about to announce that I got cast in that dance film… And then… there’s…”

“Why don’t we just come out to everyone?” Johnny blurts out.

Ten sits up on his bed, his back leaning against the headboard. “Excuse me? Did you just suggest we out ourselves?”

“Yes?” Johnny says raising an eyebrow at Ten.

“We can’t, and you know it,” Ten replies flatly.

Johnny’s tired of having to hide all the time, to lie. It’s about time Korea caught up with the times. Homophobia was so 1800s. If his fans, if he still even has any, can’t accept him for who he is, or who he’s dating, they can go fuck themselves. Besides, where else can Johnny’s career go anyway?

“Are you ashamed of us?” Johnny whispers. For all his talk of staying by his side, looks like Ten is willing to give up at the first sign of failure or struggle. Johnny should have known this relationship was too good to last.

“No, never,” Ten says with a firmness that seems so alien to him.

“Then why don’t you agree that we just come out?” Johnny shouts. In a softer, more bitter tone, he adds, “I guess I don’t mean as much to you as you said I did.”

“What?” Ten’s eyes widen, and he’s now up on his feet, fists clenched and knuckles white. “I never said that!”

“You want to hide our relationship because you can’t afford to miss or lose the opportunities that are coming your way—”

“And that’s what you’re not thinking of!” Ten screams, his hands up in frustration and tears pooling in his eyes. “You’ve stopped thinking of how your actions or decisions can affect others!”

“What do you mean I don’t think of others?” Johnny is up on his feet too, his fists clenched. How dare Ten say that Johnny doesn’t think of how his decisions can affect others? Ever since they started dating, he’s always protected Ten and made sure that no one recognized Ten when they went out on dates. When they were in public, they acted as normally as they could without being over affectionate. What part of this meant that Johnny didn’t care about other people’s decisions? “I was starting to come to terms with the fact that I’d never get anything I want. Now you gave me false hope that, somehow, I was the most important thing to you. I guess I was wrong.”

Ten’s fist makes contact with Johnny’s cheek before Johnny can defend himself.

“Fuck you, Johnny,” Ten hisses, before Johnny can retaliate. “Don’t be a selfish asshole. It’s not only your career on the line, but mine as well! We worked too long and too hard for this, and you want to tear it apart? We’ve only been dating for a few months. It’s not like we’ve been married for years!”

Ten’s words sting more than the punch he landed on Johnny’s face. “I guess your career is more important to you than I am. All that talk about being willing to take a risk with me was bullshit.” Johnny sneers as he spits the words out.

“That’s not the point,” Ten screams. “How about you, Johnny? What matters to you? Didn’t you always dream of a solo album? Didn’t it occur to you that this scandal can kill that dream once and for all? Do you think that getting into all this trouble will encourage the higher-ups and the public to pay attention to you for something other than your recent fondness for trouble?!”

“I…” Johnny whispers more to himself than to Ten.

“Clearly you didn’t,” Ten snorts before continuing. “While I don’t doubt your feelings for me are real, I bet you only decided to date me and start a relationship because you needed something to distract you from yourself. From all your frustrations. You wanted someone to make you feel loved, and I hope I did that.”

Johnny blinks. “I dated you because I love you,” he replies as calmly as he can. He can’t win an argument if he stoops to Ten’s level by screaming back.

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it,” Ten snaps at him.

Johnny’s patience is wearing thin at Ten’s cryptic answers. “What the fuck do you want from me?”

“Think about it! Don’t talk to me until you’re done being stupid!” With a final stab of a finger at Johnny’s chest, Ten takes his leave and slams the door behind him.

Johnny flings his pillow at the door, before throwing himself on the bed and burying his face in the sheets, muffling his screams.

 

 

Johnny and Ten are greeted by a PR Director Euna Kim’s staff member shortly after they arrive for practice. They are both told to follow her to PR Director Euna Kim’s office to talk about something important. When they arrive, with Youngjun hyung trailing behind them, they are greeted by the grim faces of Teacher Lee Sooman, CEO Kim Youngmin, and PR Director Kim Euna.

“I was hoping we’d never have to see you in here for this conversation,” CEO Kim Youngmin says instead of a greeting, his smile more threatening than anything else. “I’m aware there’s a lot to do today so that I won’t take up too much of your time, and I’ll jump right into the important thing I called you here to talk about. Those news reports... Youngho, how could you be so careless?! Didn’t I warn you that one more time you got yourself into trouble, the consequences weren’t going to be pretty?”

Johnny sighs as he tries not to look afraid. At this rate, they might as well terminate his contract. Ten, who has done nothing but stay by his side and try to protect them both, doesn’t deserve this. Ten shouldn’t even be here right now. He should be out there, practicing with the others. Let Johnny suffer in peace.

“I know you’ve been careful about hiding your identity when you go out together.” PR Director Kim Euna looks at Ten before turning back to Johnny. “While you’ve been doing all you can to protect him. That’s considerate since you’re now both known to the public as idols.”

She doesn’t elaborate on that point, just leaves it to hang in the air before she changes the subject. “The truth is that we will be able to shield Ten from the scandal with as minimal damage as possible… However you, Johnny...” The way she says his name leaves him to assume that Johnny is to take the fall for them both. 

Ten’s eyes dart over to where Johnny is sitting. Johnny wants to take Ten’s hands and tell him he’ll be alright, but he still doesn’t know what Ten wants him to think about. He still isn’t certain whether he can talk to Ten again. He balls his hands into fists instead. 

“I want to emphasize that we are by no means, a homophobic company and that we are open to all kinds of love,” Director Kim continues. “However, not all fans like the idea of their idols dating, let alone two men. I’ll make it very clear that there was reason dating is discouraged or kept under wraps.”

She doesn’t wait for a response, only looking at both Johnny and Ten for a moment before she continues. “We could care less whether you two date or not, but, once it tarnishes the name of SM Entertainment, I’m afraid we must step in. I’m sure we understand each other.”

Teacher Lee Sooman sighs as Johnny catches his eyes, which look more tired than the CEO’s and the PR Director’s.

Director Kim flashes another sardonic smile, and straightens the papers on her desk with a nod. “We will call you two to discuss the consequences of your actions. That’s all. You may go.”

 

 

 

Johnny stares at the ceiling of his and Ten’s shared bedroom. Ten still refuses to speak to him, as he’s taken all his things to camp out in Yuta and Jaemin’s bedroom. They’ll both be punished for this somehow, and it looks like management is trying to figure things out. Johnny still has time, but he wonders whether he can still be allowed to dream after all he’s done. He glances at the clock with all the glowing numbers on it next to his bed and wonders how much time he has left under SM Entertainment. His thoughts drift to everything he’s done, has wanted to do, and has yet to achieve.

He needs to talk to someone to help him find clarity, but he can’t bother them since he doesn’t want another person to get involved in his mess.

Sleep evades him for the next few days as he ponders on his situation. Johnny finds himself getting out of bed at two in the morning, overwhelmed by the many thoughts and questions in his mind.

There’s only one thing he does to clear his head when he has no idea how to express the chaos in his mind into words.

Johnny grabs his hoodie, car keys, and steps out of his room. He hollers at Hansol hyung who is getting a drink in the kitchen that he’s stepping out to practice. When he arrives at the SM Entertainment building, he heads straight for the abandoned music room he hasn’t visited in years. This music room had been his sanctuary ever since his trainee days. Johnny doesn’t want to remember how much he’s changed and failed, but today, it’s probably what he needs.

He walks over to his favorite piano in the room, and the cold ivory and ebony keys sounding as flawless as ever. 

When the weight of his world is too much for him to bear, he presses the keys of the piano to make sense of everything.

He is twelve years old again and going with some friends as they all join SM Entertainment’s 2007 Global Auditions in Chicago on a hot September morning. He wasn’t very familiar with the Korean entertainment scene; heck, he had no idea that SM Entertainment was one of the top entertainment companies in Korea. All he knew was that they were looking for Asians who they could groom into becoming the next superstars of Korea (and possibly the world).

Johnny had auditioned to be a singer, and he even forgot to remove his earphones during his actual audition. Back then, he couldn’t believe he got in.

When he flew to Korea for the first time, everything had been so different. The language, the culture, and even how people looked. When he first entered SM Entertainment, he promised his parents he wasn’t going to lose sight of his dreams. However, he had befriended and trained with several boys, who would leave him behind to debut with EXO. The competition had gotten stiffer and stiffer as more trainees came and left, but Johnny never gave up. 

He struggled to figure out how he was both going to fit in and stand out, as he wasn’t the best vocalist, despite getting in as one. He had only learned to dance and rap when he got in, so he wasn’t a natural dancer like Ten was or a born rapper like Taeyong and Mark were. He had somehow given up on trying to be himself and decided to be the idol management molded him to be. He had somehow forgotten who he really was, and that’s probably what made him restless.

Somewhere along the way, the twelve-year-old boy determined to make a difference had died. He had become disillusioned, lost in the darkness that comes with the entertainment industry.

He takes a deep breath and presses another key, and he’s overcome with emotion. Another key, and he tries quashing down the lump in his throat, but to no avail.

The fact that he’s in here, pressing the keys of a piano that has heard more of Johnny’s secrets than any person alive brings back too many memories. Most of which are memories of failure, rejection, and the struggle to be someone he’s not.

Johnny is no longer sure whether he could live with himself for all his decisions, and Ten is there, willing to stand by him despite everything. Ten’s right. Johnny dated Ten because he wanted someone to make him feel loved despite the lack of love he has for himself. It’s unfair to Ten, Johnny realizes. If the situation were reversed, Johnny would have done the same thing. How can he expect Ten to love him when he can’t even love himself? Ten’s right. Johnny needs to remember who he is first and what matters to him.

His vision blurs. There’s a faint sound of the door opening and someone whispering his name. He doesn’t look up—it’s probably someone telling him lights will be closing soon. Instead, Johnny rests his head against the piano’s music rack.

The only time Johnny looks up is when a soft, warm hand lands on his shoulder. He wipes his eyes on the sleeve of his hoodie. His eyes widen when he sees Ten standing behind him, lips turned downward.

“T-Ten?” Johnny rasps out. “What are you doing here?”

“Hansol hyung told me you went out for practice hours ago,” Ten replies. “It was already three in the morning when I got back, and you weren’t in bed yet, so I got worried and—Are you crying?”

“I had a lot of thinking to do,” Johnny sighs as he gropes his pockets for a handkerchief to wipe his eyes and nose.

“You… stepped in here again,” Ten whispers, as if realizing where they are for the first time

“Yeah … I had too much on my mind, and being in here is the only thing that made sense to me.”

Ten only smiles and nods. “Come on, let’s go home.”

Johnny shakes his head as Ten takes his hand. “We need to talk about a lot of things,” he mumbles. “And I’d rather talk about them where it’s only the two of us.”

“OK,” Ten whispers as he takes the seat on the bench. “I have to call Youngjun hyung first.”

Johnny rests his elbow on top of the fallboard. He watches Ten gesture with his free hand as he talks to Youngjun hyung on the phone. He can’t make out what Ten is saying, so his gaze drops to Ten’s lips instead. He remembers how soft they felt against his own, and Johnny wonders when is the next time he can kiss them again.

Ten ends the phone call with their manager soon after that. “Youngjun hyung says to call him when we’re done talking,” he says. “Apparently, we’ll have the day off tomorrow, rather, later. Let’s get breakfast after this.”

“Hmmm … fine.” Johnny gropes his pocket to check for his wallet. He chuckles in relief when he does. He sighs as he stares at the piano keys, trying to figure out what he wants to say.

“I’m sorry for everything I said and did,” he begins. “I know it’s too late for apologies, but it’s all I can do at the moment while I try figuring out what’s wrong with me.”

“I’m sorry I yelled at you and punched you in the face,” Ten whispers, stroking Johnny’s cheek where he left a bruise. “I… I was angry and scared of the consequences.”

“You had every right to feel that way,” Johnny sighs. “I was stupid.”

Ten chuckles, meeting his eyes this time. “Did you finally figure out what you needed to do?”

Johnny sighs. Here goes nothing. “About that… I was thinking… I should go back to Chicago for a while to visit my parents. I’m not going to be part of this unit’s promotions, and I don’t have any solo schedules either. Besides, I need to let the public forget about my misdeeds too.”

Ten opens his mouth to say something, most likely in protest, but Johnny puts a finger to Ten’s lips.

“Aside from that,” Johnny continues. “I want to find myself again. Figure out who Johnny Suh was before I joined SM. I gave up so much to be here that I don’t even know who I am anymore outside of these four walls, Ten.” He blinks; his vision is starting to blur again. He reaches for Ten’s hand, basking in its warmth. 

“You want to know why I was upset?” Ten asks when Johnny has recovered somewhat.

“Because I was a selfish idiot?” Johnny asks with a sigh.

“Not really,” Ten shifts closer to Johnny before he continues. “Because I felt like as much as you love me and want to spend the rest of your life with me in the future, your real motivation for pursuing this relationship now was because you needed a coping mechanism for your non-moving career, Johnny. And I felt that… I deserve better than that. I deserve to love and be loved by someone who doesn’t carry any baggage.”

He feels Ten squeeze his hand tighter. “I understand why you want to leave for a while, but I’m not going to let you take the fall for our misdeeds alone, Johnny,” Ten says. “I should take part of the blame too.”

“No, Ten. You are not going to take any blame for this. You have a way out, while I don’t… ” Johnny says, more determined than ever before. “I need to do this. I need to take the fall for us both this time. Please… Let me do this, Ten. It’s both for you and for me. If I take the fall, people will know how serious I am about this.”

Ten sighs and shakes his head. “There’s no use changing your mind once it’s made up, huh?” His hand is balled into a fist, and his eyes are blazing with an emotion Johnny knows all too well. “But you’re right. We can’t properly date and be in a relationship while you have a lot to settle with yourself.”

“Does this mean we’re temporarily breaking up?” Johnny asks, looking into Ten’s eyes for answers.

“No. There are things you need to deal with on your own.” Ten says with a smile. His free hand is stroking Johnny’s face, as if he’s trying to commit every single detail to memory. “But, I’ll always be here if you need me, Johnny.” 

Johnny rubs his eyes again with his sleeve. “You promise?”

“Only if you promise not to get into trouble while you’re away,” Ten whispers back.

“I promise.” Johnny leans closer, so their lips meet.

 

 

 

_**SM Representative Disproves Rumors of Johnny being Kicked Out of SM** _

_NCT member Johnny has been noticeably absent from promotional activities since he got caught dating an unknown male. His situation has become a concern for netizens and fans who worried about the severity of the consequences of his actions that has caused him to miss promotions for “214,” “Randomantic”, the SM Town tour, and the latest season of NCT Life._

_Johnny returned to America to attend a DJing workshop and to visit his family. Yet, his workshop participation and absence from official activities have stirred rumors of him leaving the company._

_An SM Entertainment representative clarified the rumors, stating that “Because of Johnny’s self-reflection, along with not having seen his family in America for a long time, this had led to a longer trip than expected. After expressing a desire to improve his skills through workshops near his hometown, we have agreed that he will take part in such activities for as long as necessary. Due to this situation, he hasn’t been able to attend SM schedules.” The representative clarified that his contract was not terminated._

_Meanwhile, NCT will compete against each other as the King of Games in the new season of NCT Life starting March 23. The show will depict their attempts at learning traditional games from different parts of the world._

Johnny laughs as he reads the news article. This is probably the first time the company has said anything nice about him in a long time. At least they remember he’s still alive after he practically offered to exile himself. It’s much better than what they had planned… which was self-reflection and to be indefinitely shelved.

It’s been nice to be able to relax and walk around Chicago without having to hide. The only people who recognize Johnny are the few fans who know what K-pop is. He’s been on his best behavior ever since he got here. His parents have been breathing down his neck despite being almost thirty years old. Besides, after everything he’s been through, he’s not in the mood to get caught doing anything dumb.

Being here has given him a chance to reflect on his life and who he really is. He’s also put on a little bit of weight since he was last spotted, but Johnny doesn’t think he looks like he hasn’t been taking care of himself. He still runs around and goes to the gym… but he’s spent most of his days getting to know himself again. Being surrounded by everything that was part of his life before SM Entertainment was like a long, overdue conversation with himself.

Music has always been a part of his life since he was a child. It’s been there since he heard his parents sing him to sleep as a child. He’s always wanted to perform on stage as far as he can remember. Playing the piano and trying to make his music had been his safety blanket when he first arrived in Korea. Johnny had been forced to give up trying to write original music when the coaches at SM told him he wasn’t good enough for that. He had wanted this, to make music that is solely his own, even if he told himself otherwise. Even if he had opted to focus on things he was good at instead.

There's a box filled with faded sheet music with smudged marks and half-written lyrics scrawled along the edges hidden somewhere among Johnny’s things. There are several ideas with a note to work on them, but Johnny never got to do so. He finds it as he cleans his childhood bedroom while searching for something else. His fingers run over the worn sheets and trace over impulsively written words and melodies. After all this time, he sees what his mentors thought was lacking and why his coaches dismissed his ideas. His words back then lacked honesty from his heart. Then again, how was he going to express lyrics and music from his heart when he had no idea who he was? He had drifted along, trying to write ideas, emotions, and thoughts that weren’t his. The words written on those sheets weren’t his story. Johnny chuckles as he shakes his head at the irony of it all.

A day can’t pass without hearing Ten’s voice, even if it’s just for a minute. On days they get to talk longer, it’s still never enough for Johnny.

Johnny remembers being eighteen, and a skinny, nervous Ten stepped into the dance classroom for the first time. Johnny had been wary when Ten gave him a blinding smile and said he wished for them to be friends. It wasn’t easy to open up to another foreigner after most of his friends either debuted or left for other agencies. He was scared that this boy would drift away from him, leave, or give up, and Johnny would be left all alone again.

When the line up for NCT U had been announced, Johnny had avoided everyone for a few days to practice until he could no longer move his limbs. It had been Ten who found him in there, with a hot compress in hand.

“Hey, Johnny?” he had whispered as he pressed the compress on Johnny’s back. “Are you mad that I got to debut before you?”

Johnny had sighed as he shook his head. “I could never be mad at you, Ten,” he had said. “You guys debuting reminds me of everything I’ve worked for and dreamed of for the past nine years. But, seeing you debut also makes me wonder what I’m still lacking in.” Johnny rolled to his side so that he was facing Ten when they talk. “I don’t know how much longer I’ll have to wait to be good enough to stand on stage with the rest of you.”

“You will always be more than good enough for me,” Ten had whispered so softly that Johnny thought it was a figment of his imagination.

If one were to ask, Johnny suspects it’s at that moment that he first figured that his connection with Ten was deeper than that with any of his other friends. He had been a ray of light in Johnny’s darkest hours, and Johnny wants to give something back. Johnny wants to be Ten’s number one cheerleader and coach when times get rough. He wants to be there by Ten’s side, helping any way he can. It’s not because Ten is beautiful or because Ten is there for him.

It’s simply because of who Ten is. The loud, bossy, and demanding boy who sometimes forgets to wash his hands. The same Ten who will make all kinds of obnoxious comments and fight for what he believes in as long as he knows it’s right. Ten, who whines about having to roll out of bed and demands to be carried, but stays hours after practice, even until dawn, just to perfect his dancing. Ten, who deserves every single good thing coming his way.

Ten chooses to love Johnny despite deserving so much better.

Johnny’s not completely fixed yet, or good enough for Ten. He’ll get there, as long as Ten is willing to wait.

Johnny hums under his breath, a tune he had forgotten lives in his memories. For the first time since he arrived here, he smiles as he scribbles the things he wants to say.

 

 

 

It’s been almost a year since Johnny’s set foot in the dorm. He clenches his hand into a fist as he knocks against a familiar door. He takes a deep breath as he raps his knuckles against it. 

"Hey Mark," Johnny says once the door opens.

"Johnny hyung! It’s good to have you back in the dorms. We all missed you. How was Chicago?" Mark smiles at him as he pulls him for a hug. When they pull apart, the younger boy blinks as he looks at Johnny. “What’s the matter, though?”

“Still windy as ever…” Johnny allows himself to smile, the first honest one since the last time he saw Ten. "Listen, Mark… I need a favor."

 

 

 

“Are you sure you want to do it this way, Johnny hyung?” Mark’s voice asks over his shoulder. “You can always back out, you know.”

Johnny nods to Mark. “Management said they’re fine with this, so, I doubt there’s anything to lose at this point.” He takes a breath. “Besides, it’s been too long since I did something like this.”

Mark smiles. “If anything, I’m proud of you, hyung. Although he doesn’t show it, he’s proud of you too.”

 _Here goes nothing._ Johnny presses the button.

 

 

 

_**NCT’s Johnny posts an original composition on SNS** _

_Following the footsteps of Taeyong, Jaehyun, and Mark, who have all participated in writing songs, it seems like NCT’s Johnny is proving himself to be yet another talented songwriter and lyricist in the group._

_In fact, the SM Entertainment idol recently treated fans with a snippet of an unnamed acoustic ballad, with Mark accompanying him on guitar. In the same post, Johnny reveals that he composed the song and wrote the lyrics while he was in America, reflecting on his past behavior._

_Johnny captioned the video on Instagram with “I just want a chance,” which has left fans trying to figure out what the singer is trying to say. Some fans have speculated that this was his way of pleading to his agency, SM Entertainment, to forgive him for his reckless behavior in the past. Meanwhile, others suspect this could be his way of sending a message to a lover._

_“The storm will come to pass; fading into a distant memory. I promise, I promise you I am only yours. This I swear until eternity, even if the moon fades away. I promise you, I promise you, it will be you and me until the very end,” Johnny serenades._

_After hearing his song on Instagram, fans praised Johnny for both his vocals and his heart-warming lyrics._

 

 

 

Johnny finds himself at the SM Entertainment building’s lobby one early April morning. Johnny stares outside the window as he watches the cherry blossoms fall. Yuta once told him that cherry blossom petals fall at a speed of five centimeters per second. Johnny can’t help but think whether this is the same for artists like them. Everyone starts with the same dreams. These dreams diverge into different directions—some more successful than others.

“Johnny?” Youngjun hyung whispers as he squeezes Johnny’s shoulder. When Johnny turns to him, the manager whispers, “We’re ready to go, but the higher-ups want to see you first.”

Johnny follows his manager along the long, winding halls of SM Entertainment. When they step into a conference room, they find Teacher Lee Sooman, CEO Kim Youngmin, and PR Director Kim Euna waiting in there.

"This is the first time you will be seen alone by the Korean public since your… behavior two years ago," CEO Youngmin says in lieu of of a greeting. “We hope your time in America was productive as well as a lesson.”

Johnny keeps a straight face despite the urge to chuckle. “Yes, Sir. It was.”

Teacher Sooman, however, is more cheerful as he goes around his desk to clap Johnny on the back. “I’m sure Johnny’s learned his lesson and will show us what he learned in America. Right, Johnny?”

Johnny smiles and nods, unable to say any more.

“Anyway,” Teacher Sooman continues, “I’m looking forward to this endeavor, as it shows a different side to Johnny other than what the public knows. I hope you have fun and do well.”

“I still can’t believe this,” Johnny says, shaking his head. “Thank you, teacher Lee Sooman, for giving me a chance.”

“Everyone deserves a second chance, Johnny,” Teacher Sooman says with a smile. “Especially those who’ve waited for so long. Now off you go!”

After one last bow to Teacher Sooman, CEO Youngmin, and Director Euna, Johnny follows Youngjun out the door.

"Here," Youngjun hyung says as he hands a stack of his own albums and a felt-tip pen inside the car. "You need to sign these because they will be given as prizes to some competition thing the PR Department is running. Kill some time in the car."

Johnny looks at the album in his hands, reads the contents, and smiles at how far he has come from being that little boy in Chicago flying out to Korea for a dream. This cannot be happening, and he turns to the last few pages, he finally makes it to his acknowledgements page.

_[KOREAN] It’s been 30 years since I was born, 18 years since I entered SM, and eight years since I became a member of NCT. This is more than what I’ve always dreamed of. I’m not going to lie, I wondered whether I still deserved this solo because of my past actions. I still sincerely apologize for the things I did, and for the things that cannot be changed. I have tried to fix my mistakes since then and I promise to continue trying to be a better person._

_First, thank you to our teacher Lee Sooman, for giving me a chance despite everything that has happened. Thank you to CEO Kim Youngmin, Nam Soyoung noona, director Han Semin, and director Jung Changhwan. I also want to thank all the staff members who helped make this album a reality. A &Rs Seongsu hyung, Jenny noona, Minyoung noona, and Seokyeong noona, our managers: Youngjun hyung, Byeongjun hyung, Inhwan hyung, Hyunjun hyung, Gongseok hyung, Hyeonho hyung, and Jihyo noona, thank you all so much. Thank you so so much, also our SMTOWN seniors!!_

_Mom and Dad, I love you. If it wasn’t for you, I doubt I’d even be where I am today._

_Our Heejun noona, Yooeun noona, thank you always. Jiseok hyung, Haebin noona, and Joohee noona, thank you for making me look handsome. Jaewon hyung, Greg hyung, Sanghoon hyung, Gooyoung hyung, Hyojae hyung, Taewoo jjang~_

_To Sehun hyung, Jinho hyung and Seungyeon noona, I did it. I finally did it. I love you._

_Taeil hyung, Hansol hyung, thank you for being there to talk to, no matter how relevant or mundane the topic was. Now you’re in the military, do your best to make the nation proud. If any of the other soldiers bully you, we’ll fight them for you. I love you._

_TY Track, the man who’s been there for me the longest, and to Yuta, our Japanese mountain man, you both are a source of strength and courage for me. It takes a lot of strength and courage to stand by your beliefs and to be kind when the world is cruel, and for that, I admire you both. To my same-age friends, I love you._

_To Doyoungie, who always has something to say, I envy you for having the courage to speak up whenever you want and say what you want to say. Do well in your filming abroad. I love you._

_Jeno, Donghyuk, Jaemin, Jisung: I’ve watched you grow up from children, to teenagers, to adults. Each day you remind me what it’s like to be optimistic and young, despite all the hardships you face, don’t lose that spirit. I love you._

_[CHINESE] Kun, Sicheng, Chenle, Renjun: It takes a lot of perseverance to stay, even when it’s easier to leave. I’ve seen this happen before, so I want to thank you for choosing to stay. I love you._

_[ENGLISH] To my foreign swagger brothers Mark and Jeffrey, we made it. We can now say that all members of the foreign swaggers have solo albums. I guess I’m no longer a square, huh? I love you._

_To Ten, the person who stood by my side at both my best and my worst, I love you._

_In the book A Man Called Ove, Fredrik Backman wrote, “We always think there's enough time to do things with other people. Time to say things to them. And then something happens and then we stand there holding on to words like 'if'.”_

_There’s never enough time for me to convey everything I want to say, so I’m taking this chance. I sincerely thank everyone and every fan who always stood by me, supported me, and loved me even when I know I didn’t deserve it. I will always be the same Johnny who stays by your side and works hard to touch your lives with my honesty and passion._

_To the world, here is NCT! Now and forever._

_Your one and only,_

_Johnny_

Johnny’s phone rings as soon as he finishes signing the last album during the car ride to the CJ E&M Center for his MCountdown pre-recording. He smiles when he sees the name on the other line.

“Congratulations on the album, fatass,” Ten’s voice greets him when he picks up. “Too bad I can’t be there to celebrate with the others later.”

“Wish you were here, though,” Johnny whispers.

A few weeks ago, Ten flew to Thailand to start fulfilling his duties as a 2025 Southeast Asian Games ambassador. It’s awful timing, but it’s not like they wanted their individual schedules to clash.

There’s a short pause on the other line before Johnny hears a snort “Oh well. There's nothing we can do,” Ten says. “Which song will you be singing besides ‘Your One and Only?’ I’m not sure you mentioned it last night.”

Johnny chuckles as he looks over the stage directions for the pre-recording. “Smile.”

Youngjun hyung turns to Johnny to show off his smile, which had something between his teeth. Turning to the manager, Johnny laughs. “Not you, hyung. I was telling Ten what the other song I’ll be doing is.” Youngjun hyung snorts as Johnny directs his attention back to Ten. “Sorry about that… How’s Thailand been so far?”

“As hot as ever,” Ten sighs. Johnny hears a rustling of clothes. Ten probably fanned himself using his shirt. Johnny tries his hardest not to imagine the sweat rolling down Ten’s neck.

“How’s SEA Games duty going, anyway?” Johnny asks. He catches Youngjun hyung smirking at him, and Johnny shoves his manager to the side.

“Everyone’s been great so far. It’s great to get to meet all these athletes representing the country, Johnny. I also get to meet some local celebrities I only saw on TV growing up. Nichkhun hyung, Sorn, Bambam, and Lisa are also here, so I’m not too lonely,” Ten replies. There’s some hustle going on from Ten’s end, including a loud “SAY HI TO JOHNNY HYUNG FOR ME!” from Bambam.

Johnny chuckles. “That’s quite a crowd over there.”

Ten chuckles in response. “It’s hectic, but at the same time, we’re all doing our best to promote the games. We don't know whether we have enough time to visit our families.”

There’s a long pause after Johnny hums. It seems like Ten has a lot to do as well, so Johnny’s about to end the call when Ten breaks the silence. 

“Hey, fatass?”

Johnny smiles. “Yeah, Princess?”

“I only got to check out your album now…” Ten whispers. “And…”

“And?” Johnny prompts, his grin growing wider.

“I love you too.”

-30-

**Author's Note:**

> To Team Future, here’s to falling apart together. To Rusty Shackleford, thank you for giving this fic some direction. I dedicate this to two of the biggest Johnny fans in my life, 雪 and B, for helping me stay alive and holding my hand as I died trying to finish this. 
> 
> This is probably the most difficult fic I’ve ever written, in terms of time and topic. I had so much more in mind for this, but time and real life weren’t on my side, so this will have to do. 
> 
> The song titles mentioned in the end were taken from local songs in my country. Title was taken from the lyrics of the prompt.


End file.
